from McSweeney's in honor of the Olympics

DIVES NOT RECOGNIZED BY THE OLYMPIC DIVING COMMITTEE.

BY PETER SCHOOFF

A forward double flip with one and one half twists with a half-caf half-decaf double espresso.

A forward 2 1/2 somersault while smoking a pipe and readingRemembrance of Things Past.

A back 1 1/2 somersault with 1 1/2 twists while contemplating the fleeting nature of athletic excellence.

A backward 2 1/2 somersault with 1 twist while ordering Chinese food on a cell phone.

An inward 2 1/2 somersault with 1 twist while in the sitting-on-the-toilet-reading-a-newspaper position.

A forward 3 1/2 somersault with the hand clap from the Friends theme song in a pike position.

A triple Lutz with a forward 1 1/2 somersault while wearing ice skates with a big splash.

An inward 3 1/2 somersault tuck while wearing a bulletproof vest and being shot at.

Moonwalking off the diving platform into a back 2 1/2 somersault with a crotch grab while playing the air guitar.

A forward 1 1/2 somersault while flapping arms and making airplane jokes.

A backward 1 1/2 somersault with 2 1/2 twists in the arms-wrapped-tightly- around-the-neck-so-it-looks-like-I’m- making-out-with-someone-from-behind position.

Hard to believe I wrote this four years ago. That last lovely comment came in only a few months ago and are, by far, the angriest words ever posted here. I stand by my original post. Synchronized swimming = grueling and difficult + sometimes silly looking.