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courtesy of McSweeney's

Easy Halloween Costumes
by Tim Carvell

Wear dark suit, white shirt, dark tie. Speak in modulated tones.

Undercover Police Officer
Dress as usual, only more so. Act as you usually would, only more so. Swagger.

White House Intern
Wear khakis, button-down shirt. Behave as you usually would. They’re not all like her, you know.

Wear a coat and a tie. Behave normally. What, you think they’re all ass-grabbing freaks or something? They’re not. They’re normal people, just like you and me.

War Criminal
Dress as you usually do. Act as you usually do. Decline to supply information about your past.

Douglas Fairbanks
Locate grave of Douglas Fairbanks, dig up remains, attach them to self with duct tape. Behave as you imagine Douglas Fairbanks might.

A Unicorn
Dress as you usually would. Inform people that you are dressed as a unicorn. When people point out that you look nothing like a unicorn, tell them that unicorns don’t exist, and to stop being such babies.

Drink a fifth of bourbon. With a sharp, clean knife, remove one or more limbs. Cauterize wound(s).

Newborn Baby
Shave off all body hair, cover self in amniotic fluid. Arrange to be carried around by ankles. Mingle.

Ned Beatty
Find a plastic surgeon who will make you look as much like Ned Beatty as is surgically possible. Many surgeons will refuse; keep looking until you find one who agrees. Undergo many painful operations until you are a dead ringer for Ned Beatty. Arrive at party and be mistaken for Ned Beatty, then inform your friends of what you have done. They will be amazed. It will all be worth it.


Scot said…
Whadayamean "They’re not all like her?????" That sucks! I'm not running for president anymore, because of that!
Crazy Mom! said…
I did a play once where someone was playing an undertaker. As a joke, He soaked his hand in a bucket of ice for a while. Scared the s&*t out of the actor who shook his hand.
Scot said…
I just had a 3 foot tall Incredible Hulk at the door.
...just not that threatening...
Scot - bact to normal, what ever that is! said…
So far the Amy Winehouse Zombie has been my favorite!
That kid needs rehab.
KPB said…

Duyvken said…
That's it, nect year I am going as an undercover cop. Will aim to act more like myself than usual.
Anonymous said…
The swagger makes the cop. I had to double-take at a guy dressed as a SWAT team member, he carried it SO WELL that I thought a bust was going down.
Jenny said…
Your posts are trending a little out there! I like it.