I've read Real Simple so you don't have to

It's been a lazy week, I think, though we have made countless trips to the supermarket. In fact, yesterday's trip to the supermarket turned out to be quite the adventure as we sat, unmoving, in traffic when the highway was shut down for one hour and 20 minutes. (Remind me to tell you about the instrumentation trick we pulled with the Jeep during that time.)
Anyway, I was sitting on my Christmas Cookie-fed ass this afternoon, wearing my $5.49 grey turtleneck and reading a copy of Real Simple that K brought home from work. I gave up reading Real Simple a few years ago when I discovered they print the same 12 articles each year but this one was free! (In other news, I'm hoping he'll get me the newest Esquire so I can read about The Meaning Of Life. True!)
I thought I would touch base, as it were, on a few of the things I saw in Real Simple and save you time and money.

Like this. Look at this!

Real Simple wants us to buy a $1000 handbag! They love it!
I love it too. Let me know if you buy it and I'll buy a plane ticket and come see it - it's cheaper.

I know, this is an ad. Did I say I wouldn't discuss ads? Well, I will. I've always shunned Aveeno products. I think they sound medicinal and, for some reason, make me think of my grandmother saying Novenas. Isn't that silly? Well, this winter one of my co-workers (hi M!) raved about her new Aveeno moisturizer and my skin has been terribly dry so I went and got some Aveeno and said a Novena and am here to report that the stuff is GREAT. I do wish it was scented but SAY LA VEE.

I can't even tell you how happy I am that this part of our lives is over. We went to Disney World twice. The first time was free (K was shooting there) but Youngest was too little so we went back with both grandmothers when he was older. We had a ton of fun but, sheesh, I'm glad we don't feel like we have to do it again. As it is, we are begging the boys to travel with us.

I'm a sucker for stuff like this, which is why I have at least four lip balms at all times. How did I not know about this one?

If you don't spend enough time obsessing about your weight you can buy this instrument designed to measure your caloric intake and output. Or something. I don't know, I turned the page too quickly to read further.

The editors at Real Simple are problem solvers. In this issue they suggest inserting a drinking straw into a glass bottle of ketchup to keep the bottle from clogging. I'd like to ask them when the last time was that they SAW a glass bottle of ketchup.

I love lists! Several pages follow of things to do if you have five minutes:

I need to write some thank-yous, thank you.

Not a five minute project unless you actually FIND the item.

Hmmm, I think, reading to myself...how often does this happen to people?

See? Where are we going to put that tremendous sculpture of a foot? It's problematic, to say the least. The $4000 chandelier on the next page, however, I could find a spot for.

The issue rounds out with food.

Pappardelle. Why don't we ever have pappardelle? Also, I need to learn to make a pork ragout.

And, speaking of pork,

note to me: read the list, buy some stuff, make a pork tenderloin.

My nose is dry too and I love this stuff.

He also brought me a copy of Paper.
I'll see what I can do.


Badger said…
I stopped reading Real Simple after the debut issue, because I couldn't tell the ads from the editorial and it looked like a font library had thrown up everywhere and whoever decided how white space would be handled in that issue was smoking crack.

So I appreciate you taking one for the team. As it were.

(OMG, for a second there I thought my word verification was confit but it's actually conift. Disappointing!)
I read it online because I don't want to pay for it.

I did take the suggestion of Cancel one appointment you really don't want to keep. I cancelled my yearly physical because they were going to charge my uninsured ass $425!! REALLY??

My WV is thinfl...my goal for this year, to be thin in Florida!
Paola said…
I don't know Real Simple, but thanks for the pics and commentary as usual.
We still have glass bottled Heinz.
alice c said…
WHAT is paraben? It sounds like something I should be worried about. Perhaps it is already too late...
JJ said…
please don't ever stop blogging. i love posts like this. the esquire issue is worth picking up, btw.
Liz said…
Disneyland/world is crazy expensive now. $75 for anyone who is 10 years and older.
the irony of Real Simple is the font explosion that makes your eyes fight.

And you know these posts of yours are my favourite.

What to do with the oversized foot sculpture. What to do...
Scot said…
That foot is, hands down, the ugliest thing I've seen today. And believe me, I've seen me some ugly today.
Hilary said…
I feel your traffic pain. The highway was "open" when I drove home from work last night, but I wasn't able to drive more than 5 miles per hour. My 16 mile commute took me over an hour and a half. When I walked into the house, I literally kissed the ground.
Carol said…
Thank you. I had not opened my issue as my daughter steals it. I need to know what to do with a giant foot because as it happens, my MIL sent one my husband made decades ago. It icludes a hand and a nose as well.I had just gotten him to ditch the "See no evil" trilogy sculpture, cast of himself, that terrified me.
Where would we be without Real Simple to mock?
The Chapstuff is weird. You're going to rub something on your lips or your baby that you just rubbed all over your heels?
Pamela said…
Blackbird! brillant takedown.I LOATHE real simple.
As for papardelle, and pork ragout... I will be posting on something similar probably tmorrow.. with step by step pictures, if I dont get lazy or lose track of what I am doing in the midle. made it at home for the family and it was an enormous hit. But I used veal.
pam h
Anonymous said…
Best thing I did last year was ask my MIL to give me a subscription to National Geographic instead of to real Simple. Bless her, she did.
Diana said…
Copies of Real Simple hang out at the gym here, but nobody seems desperate for their company on the treadmill.

The saline spray reminds me of my pregnancy addiction to a nasal spray cold product. As if I didn't have enough to worry about, I'd be up at 2 am to get a fix, couldn't leave home without stashing it in my bag. Talk about desperate for clear nasal passages.