Things Dorothy Parker Might Have Said, Had She Been a Mother.

"If you can't say anything nice about anyone else's children, come sit by me."

"She knows her letters from A to B! Isn't she amazing?!"

"Brevity is the soul of high school musical productions."

"That child is learning eighteen languages but doesn't understand No in any of them."

"If you want to know what God thinks of children, just look at the people he gave them to."

"Money is no object; I want only enough to keep a nanny between me and my kids."

"Men seldom make passes at lactating lasses."

"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'nap time'."

"I require only three things of a man. He must get up for night feedings and change diapers. Is that only two? Okay, I require only two things of a man."

"Childbirth pains you; diapers are damp,
Spit-up stains you and little feet stamp.
Abandonment's unlawful;
the pediatrician says he's hyperactive,
I'm going to commit suicide if you don't come home early tonight,
I mean it, I'm totally not kidding."

"Hi, I'm Dorothy... Timmy's mom. "

by Stephany Aulenback and Dennis Stacey


Anonymous said…
Sheesh! I'm feeling all gooey and lovey dovey over my kiddo and little one these days, so am not really sympathetic to the My Kids Are Rotten and My Husband Sucks theme here. But I love how that poem abandons its rhyme scheme at the end. Funny.

Jen said…
Very amusing. It reminds me of something my grandmother used to say when she heard parents bragging about how brilliant their children were. "What happens to all these geniuses when they grow up?"
Amy A. said…
I love the lactating lasses line! Funny.