open letters

To: Most of the boys in my house



I'm sorry, but no matter how many gadgets you have/bring home/hope to own, you will never be James Bond.

love,

your wife and/or mother





Dear Mash,

I adore your soda - especially the pomegranate blueberry flavor. Why so expensive?



yrs,

bb







Attention Weather Gods:

We're ready. Please send Spring.



With all due respect,

blackbird








K Dear,

You make the tastiest wontons EVER.
IN THE WORLD.





xxoo,

bb


Dear J Crew:

You've wormed your way back into my good graces. I've purchased some staples for my new wardrobe from your store (though your sales associates don't impress me) and I'm considering a couple of pairs of lightweight pants for the coming warm weather.
Frankly, though, your April catalog cover ticks me off a little.



There is no doubt that the model is beautiful, but I find myself aggravated by the Slumdog Millionaire reference as well as her weight (and J Crew often features models with more realistic bodies) and the fact that I can't tell if she's wearing a shirt.
Call me prudish (though I tend not to be) but her emaciated frame - blouseless, causes me to rant. A little.

I'm done now,

bb



Dear Rachel Ray,

I've been thinking: what's up with the voice? With all the work you're getting right now, maybe you should have a professional check it out?

Really, I have your best intentions at heart -

bb




To: Master Foods/Mars
From: bb
RE: Twix

Thank you.