things we hate, by bb and Youngest

People who peel the cheese off their pizza.

People who blot their pizza with napkins.

Middle took his exam yesterday. I dropped him off, sleepy looking, at school at 7:40 AM and kept myself as busy as possible until I picked him up shortly after one.
He got into the car smirking and said: what is the smallest number you can add to 3000 to make it more than 4000 but less than 4500? QUICK! And I got it right.
He was very animated, which I guess one would be after sitting for a four hour test. He told me he ate someone's snack so he wasn't hungry. (I had offered him several things to bring with him but he "wasn't hungry THEN." That kind of situation never ceases to amaze me: how did he GET someone else's snack? Did he ask for a cookie? No. It turns out that a teacher said: whose cookies are these and he said: I'll take those. HAVEN'T I TAUGHT MY CHILDREN NOT TO EAT STRANGE FOOD? Indeed I have.)
Anyway, I grilled him on the way home and he had lots of things to tell me about each section but I don't remember any of it. It sounds like he did well. I was not happy to hear, later that evening at a party, that someone else's kid thought the test WAS INCREDIBLY EASY this year.
I prefer to believe that he was well prepared and comfortable with the test.
We will receive his scores in a few weeks.

Youngest has been working, day and night it seems, on his card tricks.
I had to bust him when he started using the marked deck I know I bought Middle a few years ago - I just could not suspend disbelief for that.
His little shtick with each trick is so funny: I saw a guy on a bus last week with a deck of cards...
What BUS? You don't take buses.
Mom! It's part of the trick! So I saw a guy on a train last week...
He's been perfecting one with a false shuffle.

Oldest was away overnight, with a friend, seeing a concert a couple of hundred miles away.
He called once and asked for directions to a particular restaurant and called back to report he'd eaten half a cow. Oh, and he was very popular with the crowd outside the show as he successfully popped the lock on a fellow concertgoer's car after they locked their keys and tickets inside it. (Note to me: add that line to his resume.)

K and I attended a little neighborhood shin-dig last night to celebrate the big horse race. The Tuvaluan Trot. There were yummy hors d'oeuvres and strong cocktails and we each put a dollar or two in a hat and then drew the name of a horse from another hat. I drew Old Glue Stick and Big Bird. I was very excited about drawing Big Bird as his jockey was wearing very pretty silks. (That's about all I know about racing, that the jockeys wear "silks.")
But the fellow sitting next to me bellowed: Big Bird will never win from that pole position! No horse has won from that position since 1936. (Apparently HE knew a lot about horse racing.)
I was not deterred. And THEN I saw the clincher, as it were.
As Big Bird was being lead from the stables he made a very large Big Poo, which they SHOWED ON TELEVISION.
And, you see, I remembered that I DO, in fact, know SOMETHING about horse racing.
My father (who art in heaven) taught me (a very long time ago, when he had a skybox at the track in Oklahoma City) that you always bet on the horse that poos. Because he can run better.

And so, I sat back on that couch and watched the Tuvaluan Trot with the smug satisfaction that the shitter is the winner AND I WAS RIGHT AND I WON $16 WHICH VERY NEARLY PAID FOR THE PIZZA WE BOUGHT THE KIDS BEFORE WE LEFT.

So. There.

There was a woman at the party who began the evening by announcing that she wasn't eating.
Oh good for YOU, said I, because I like to eat, I explained, and I will eat your share. Of course she spent the entire time EATING. She refused her strong cocktail too. I can barely stand to look at myself, I'm so fat and ugly, she announced to the group. I'd never met her, so I can only assume she wanted some attention - I don't know, I was too busy eating and drinking and making transvestite jokes with the Australian gent to my left.
And then she did the third thing Youngest and I hate:
She took a knife to a brownie and said: oh, I can't eat a whole one, so I'll cut it up and have just a little. Over the last hour of the party she probably ate two brownies that way - cutting them up into small slices and eating them one slice at a time.

Youngest and I would prefer that you eat your pizza intact and that you have the strength of character to say: oh, how lovely, brownies! I think I'll have one, thank you!

I'm off to church.
No. I don't think I'll be giving them my $16. Aren't I terrible?


Kathy Rogers said…
"Oh good for YOU, said I, because I like to eat, I explained, and I will eat your share."

You crack me up.
Anonymous said…
Oh puleeease. I hate those women. They don't even have to speak. Their size already admits how and when they eat.
I'll take some of her left brownie if you're full. Thank you. Along with a nice drink.
pfui...taking mozzarella off a pizza. It's an insult! (...should I mention that my beloved son doesn't like it and I eat that too....shhhhhh)
Badger said…
Dude. I less than three you.
Aren't you supposed to give 10% to the church? So anything over $1.60 would be good.

I have pizza issues with people who eat it with a fork and knife.
Anonymous said…
Oh, I'll bet our Middles took the same test yesterday. How insane is it that it is almost FOUR HOURS long?!?!
Anonymous said…
That woman must've been one of my college roommates. That's how they ate EVERYTHING.
Anonymous said…
I have a feeling if you were to see me at a party, stuffing all the hors d'oeuvres down my cake hole, guzzling way too many glasses of wine, and polishing off both my dinner AND the plate of brownies...

You'd feel nothing but the deepest respect.
Anonymous said…
Who announces that business anyway?


I hope they didn't have to euthanize Big Bird. That would be a pity.

My church doesn't begin until 11. I think that's just too late.
Allison said…
OMG you are soooooo funny. I can't stand it. I don't eat like that in public, but at home if I have cake in the house I'll shave off an imerceptible slice and eat it, and then repeat that about ten times until there is a much larger piece missing than the size of just a normal slice.
Miz S said…
Now I want a brownie.
Anonymous said…
Note to self: do not blot pizza with napkin when eating with bb.

I'm good with the cheese and the brownies and the drink, though.
Anonymous said…
What a fantastic slice of life. And my new favorite philosophy will have to be that "the shitter is the winner." I love it.

Jen said…
If your pizza is so greasy it needs blotting, that is baaaaaaaaad pizza.
Dani said…
Guider - If the pizza is greasy enough to make someone even THINK about blotting, then it's AWESOME pizza, IMO. I lurve me some greasy pizza. And the crust must be super-thin.

Congrats on your winning horse, BB. No, you're not a terrible person for not sharing your $$$ with the church. I'm a terrible person for not going to church at all today. I had Girls' Night here last night and they didn't leave until after 2:00. {Yawn} Too tired for church.

I hope Horse Expert Guy enjoyed eating his words of wisdom.
Mary said…
Oh my word that woman has irritated me retrospectively and from a million miles away.

I'm glad Middle found the test straightforward. My eldest is doing something similar on Saturday and I will force snacks on him.
alice c said…
In my experience people who think exams are Incredibly Easy have missed the tiny writing at the bottom of the page which says Please Turn Over. You would be surprised how often it happens.
barbra said…
This may be the most valuable thing I have learned about horse racing.
KPB said…
the shitter is the winner.

Got it.
Caterina said…
If you're gonna remove the cheese off pizza then you might as well just eat a piece of bread.

Forget the money, the fact that you even went to church makes you a much better person than I.
Eleanor said…
You are invited to my next dinner party! And all of your friends too!
jenny said…
And if the test was incredibly easy this year? I'd just breathe a sigh of relief and chalk it up to good fortune.

Love that you break up Youngest's card trick banter...I can see his eye roll from here.

And car lock popping? Y'think Oldest could teach me? That way my husband never has to know when I lock my keys in my car. Again.
celestial opus said…
Hell yeah! I've got enough 'strength of character' for all of us. But won't be sharing. Back off my brownie.
alice c said…
It is good to know that even horses can have 'private victories' - zen is so useful for all aspects of life.