open letters to the patrons in the library, 9:43 am

Dear Elderly Couple Sitting Next To Me:

Do you come to the library every day? To read the Chinese newspaper? Maybe it's Korean.
I love that you are here together, that the librarian said good morning to you and that you are quiet. (Sometimes the people in the reading area do not respect the quiet rules.)
I love your outfits too. Sensible shoes, fine cardigans. In short, you are adorable, especially when you point out articles to each other.
Thanks for sitting near me.

Best,

bb




To The Library Staff Who Man the Front Desk:

This is a freakin LIBRARY, people.
What's up with the full volume voices? And the clunking?
We, here in the reading room, like silence. We would, perhaps, accept the
occasional clunk of a book being re-shelved, but I think I can speak for myself and this old couple sitting next to me when I demand that you stop with the loud voices.

Yours,

bb




Dear Guy In The Reading Room With the Incessantly Chiming Cell Phone:

First of all, that's an annoying ring tone. You probably saw "chimes" and thought it would
be tranquil, but I'm telling you it's not.
Did you not see me shoot you the look of death when it rang for the third time in ten minutes?
You can't be that important and be hanging around the reading room of the library on a Thursday morning.

shut it down,

bb



To The Bird Chirping On The Library Patio:

Thanks.
I appreciate it.

Love,

bb


Attention: PERSON SCREWING WITH THE ALARM DOWNSTAIRS.
Subject: WTF

It's not like this place is open 24/7. In fact, the building is closed for half a day on Wednesdays.
You couldn't have screwed with the alarm system yesterday?

Emails may be addressed to blackbirdmail@mac.com




WARNING TO THE HOMELESS GUY WITH THE INFECTED SORES:
DO NOT COME OVER HERE AND SIT NEAR ME.
DON'T .
DO
NOT.



Dear Sweet Old Man Who Left That Plastic Bag Of Stuff On The Floor Near The Table:

Is that a bomb?
Why would anyone want to bomb the Tuvalu Public Library?
It looks like gym clothes.
Why did you leave it there? Are those your car keys? Are you just very comfortable here
or maybe a little senile.
Oh, you were off buying stamps somewhere?
I didn't know they sell stamps here.
Hey!
Where ARE you going? You are making me nervous.
Sit down and read. Just look at how nicely the couple at my table are behaving.

Really,
bb



Dear Librarian In The Biography Stacks:

My GOD those are gorgeous eyeglass frames. You've got a real Carrie Donovan thing going on there and I appreciate what you've done with what must be a 40 year old skirt.
The hair is good too. Very chic.
You are probably living my fantasy life.

hugs,

bb