I've threatened long enough

The time has come for me to discuss the SkyMall catalogue.
I'm sure you are aware of the SkyMall catalogue.
There you (or I) are, squished between a man who has made a pretzel of himself and gone to sleep and a barrel chested lawyer with a few thousand documents to read - in the very last row of the plane. You've (I've) already read your magazine as the flight was delayed two hours and the laptop is out of juice. Whilst trying to remain patient awaiting the Waitress Of The Sky with the miniature bottle of Chardonnay, I reach for - The SkyMall Catalogue.
Maybe it's hysterically funny because of the situation - trapped 30,000 feet above the earth, going really fast (I don't know air speeds) eating miniature food, or maybe it's not funny at all.
Herewith, my favorites:

Picture 19

Coolers are so damn heavy. Especially when they are full of beer. I wonder if you can be pulled over for drunk driving on the way home.

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I'm contemplating purchasing four or five of these and inviting my bloggy friends for a long weekend. Doesn't it look comfortable?

I know someone already loves this - it's marked at my flickr photostream - but IMO, if you like the edges of brownies SO much that you spend $40 on this pan I think you need to rethink your priorities.

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Picture 9

Scary, I know, but I think I might want this. Not for the floor cleaning potential but for my showers and range hood. Gross. I know.

Picture 12

This is the x-ray picture of...

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And I'm telling you now: if you buy it? you won't be 'traveling' with me.

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Picture 15

I'm wondering if it can be used on other things...drool? vomit?

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Not only are they helpful, they are attractive too.
Unfortunately, the thought of them at their filthiest leaves me queasy.

This brings us to the medical section of the SkyMall.
Do a lot of people have foot problems? Who's buying all this stuff?
Special note: putting a lower case i in front of product names is very groovy.

Picture 3

Based on the selection in the magazine, I'd say there must be an awful lot of people with plantar fasciitis. They sell more than one kit.

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Why does this look so scary to me?

Picture 2

Does it electrocute the infection? Is it bullshit? Does it hurt? Why is it $99.95?
It creeps me out.

I prefer low-tech.

Picture 4

And I might even order this. I have a tense, tense neck.

I heard someone discussing these the other day -

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apparently, when removed, they are BLACK WITH THE TOXINS they have sucked out of your body and through your feet.
Just THINKING about this whilst hurtling through the ether with a miniature bottle of chardonnay at my side is enough to SHIT ME TO TEARS.


I heart the Cruzin Cooler. I'd probably have to get one and then drive/ride it the 20 feet from the kitchen to the living room for the Super Bowl. Just because.

I do not like the edges of brownies, so I don't get the Edge Pan at all.

The rest is just ridiculous and goes to show that some people will buy just about anything if they are bored or drunk enough.
Miz S said…
You did an excellent job of highlighting useful products that I need.
Anonymous said…
Oh my, I don't know what's worse--the names, the utter USELESSNESS of half of these products, or the fact some of this is sold legally in our friendly skies (seriously! Putting oneself in traction or injecting one's "infections" with antimicrobial silver ions? Yikes!).

Kinda reminds me of the stuff they peddle on late night TV.
islaygirl said…
Melissa, you're right! At my local "bad" mall they have an 'AS SEEN ON TV" store, and I'm sure all these things are there.

A friend just sent me the link for the edge pan. I think i could need that. mmm, chewy.

and i saw an info-mercial for those foot patches ... something about how they're Korean or Chinese (i'm sorry, i don't mean to be ameri-centric. let's just say Asian) medicine. I can't imagine how they're supposed to work. I bet they just have something in them that turns black when it comes in contact with the sweat on your foot. ick. but then, i'm a cynic.
I was glad I didn't have any coffee to snort out my nose at the Poop Freeze. Until you said "vomit" and then I started thinking about how my cat does that, you know, on my bed.

Also, plane delays? I now start reading a 900 page book as soon as I get to the airport. I also have a book of NY Times crossword puzzles. And enough water and snacks to last 24 hours.
Anonymous said…
My mother-in-law bought my son's x-mas present from the SkyMall catalogue.

'Nuff said.
BabelBabe said…
the brownie edge pan reminds me of the fad for muffin tops in the nineties. remember those? my sister-in-law had several muffin top tins. for Christmas, H and I mocked up a muffin-bottom tin and gave it to her and she didn't find it nearly so hilarious as we did. oh well.
Chris said…
All I can say is, I hafta to get me one of those catalogs! The cooler is my favorite followed by the pan...
Eliane said…
That suicide device...! (Is it just as cold where you are? It's so cold here now, I could cry. I would use the slanket for sure)
Anonymous said…
Do I have to pick just one or can I have them ALL?hfdswg
Olga said…
Hi! I'm a lurker and I gave you an award! No, I won't be doing any follow-up calls to sell you some siding....
Katie: said…
My priorities have always been questionable.
Anonymous said…
"Shit me to tears". I have a brand-new favorite phrase.
Anonymous said…
I want for the slanket to be electric.

And the micro-slippers, in my house, would instantly be covered in layer upon layer of dog hair.
Unknown said…
My dad (the Doctor) had that neck sling thingy for years and years. He used it every freaking day to avoid surgery on his neck. He swore by the thing, and I have to admit to trying it out. THe traction really stretched out the next vertebrae and it feels great. Otherwise, what a weird collection of items.
Anonymous said…
I want a slanket. I could care less of how it looks.

and that neck thingy? It looks like a suicide device!

I'm wondering how the travel vest is bulge-less while carrying all those items.
Wendy said…
Oh God, the slanket! My mother had something very similar in the early 80's. Hers was even better though - it had cats in red high top sneakers all over it. As much as we mocked her for it, I could have used one this past weekend.
Stacey said…
We get so much American culture in Australia, but don't get the good stuff like Skymall. All we get on planes are dodgy food and magazines about exotic holiday destinations.
I swear I could shop for my entire family from just the bits you've posted. That ride on drink cooler has my Dad's name all over it.
Bethany Bassett said…
Now if only they sold a middles-only brownie pan...
Anonymous said…
First, let us just take another look at the noose intended to relieve neck pain. Why not spend the money on a nice massage?

Second--the foot pads do remove toxins. FROM THE SKIN ON YOUR FEET. Are you going to place them all over your body? How 'bout you slice open your neck and stick the pads on your lymph nodes?

And I imagine too much of the silver-shooting gun will turn you blue.


I'm just sayin'.
Sharon said…
I've got to speak up in defense of the brownie pan. Yummy, yummy, edgy brownies. (No, I didn't buy one-- I used it at work.)

The rest? Hysterical.
Karla May said…
Ah...Blackbird. We are of the same mind when it comes to the wonderful treasures of the Skymall catalogue. Here's my take on the crap, I mean treasures, found therein. And yes, The Slanket ended up on my list as well.
Rae said…
You know, the last time I was flying, I was looking through the Skymall catalogue and wondering to myself, "Has Blackbird ever blogged on this?" And here you are doing it! And I saw the scooter cooler thing on the plane and nearly died laughing! I love how they say that it will be the coolest thing at tailgate parties. As though you won't just get smacked across the hear with a beer bottle by your friends who want to know WHY YOU ARE RIDING ON A MOTORIZED COOLER.

And why is that poo freeze thing so scarily like "Vapoorize?" (Did you see Envy?)
KPB said…
So much to say, so many questions. None of which I imagine have an answer.

1. just where would you go cruisin on your cooler?

2. that inflatable bed looks more comfortable than my real bed.

3. That edge baking pan is just weird. I mean, over here we fight for the inside bits...

4. I can picture exactly the type of man who'd wear that travel vest (as only a man would wear such a travesty) and he would be sitting next to me on the plane because that is how it always is

5. I want a slanket for every member of the family and I am also going to try and work it into everyday speech. Even the model looks embarrassed.

6. I now want a bottle of poop freeze to try the next time one of the kids vomits everywhere. Can you imagine - no mopping up, just a spray and peel. Noice.

7. If I used those in this house I'd be gagging at how filthy they were after about four steps. I mean, why make them in white!?!

8. that leg squeezer creeps me out

9. I can't believe you found something with plantar fasciitis in the title. Chef self-diagnosed his plantar fasciitis and has secretly been doing exercises to deal with. I'm not kidding. Apparently his feet feel much better.

10. anything with the words 'derma' and 'septic' together needs to be avoided at all costs. By the looks of it it simply deals with cold sores which make me feel all squicky at the outset.

11. a self traction device - noice.

12. are those foot patches like those little adhesive things you put on your nose to clean your pores? Cool.

13. I'm so proud of your commitment to utilising the shit to tears lexicon. It makes me so proud.
Anonymous said…
The detox foot patches really work. My boyfriend's mom used them after she quit smoking to suck out all the nicotine and other cigerette leftovers in her body. Every morning she would wake up with tarish black goop on her foot patches.