smoke
I smoked cigarettes in 1984.
I was working at Viking Penguin and coordinating two large sales conferences per year.
Whilst attending the sales conferences, all there was to do was listen to the descriptions of upcoming books, eat, drink coffee, and smoke. In those days, one could smoke wherever they liked and everyone around me smoked through the meetings. I don't drink coffee, I'm not a compuslive eater, so I smoked.
I probably smoked sometime during college, clubbing and socializing, but not the way I did when I was working.
At some point that year I discovered I was pregnant. K and I had been trying to conceive but I didn't think it would happen as quickly as it did. It was easy to stop smoking. I spent too much time throwing up to even consider cigarettes, so I stopped before I even knew I was pregnant.
I smoked again during 1989. I was back at work, freelance, at Viking Penguin, and I was anxiety ridden and surrounded, once again, by smokers. We were able to smoke in the office so it was easy. K was working to move within the ranks from Production Coordinator to Producer and didn't work as much as he had in previous years, so I was worrying.
I can always find an excuse.
I don't think I smoked when the writers went on strike in 1988 - K didn't have work for a long time then either. And I didn't smoke in 2001 when 9/11 effected several businesses that K had ties to, even though I took a job and was very afraid. And I never smoked through dozens of other crisis situations that effected our family.
I'm smoking now though.
I started sometime in June. I don't remember if there was a specific thing that made me buy a pack of cigarettes. It could have been the trips to the emergency room that month, it could have been PMS, I really can't recall.
I don't like that I'm smoking - but I like to smoke.
It feels better to have something to do when I fret, though I try to wash my hands, never smoke anywhere near Youngest, and always feel ashamed about it.
I know all the arguments against it: the health issues, the risks, the dangers - and yet, for now, I can find reasons each day to use smoking to steady my nerves.
I tell myself that I'm not addicted, but know I am.
I try not to have more than a certain number a day - but that doesn't always work.
I don't like that I'm doing it - but I like doing it.
Each of the times that I smoked I quit when I wanted to.
I stopped cold-turkey.
I tell myself that's what I'll do this time too... maybe when K is settled, when Youngest seems safe for a certain period of time, or when I'm feeling less fragile.
I tell myself this.
And I hope it's true.
I was working at Viking Penguin and coordinating two large sales conferences per year.
Whilst attending the sales conferences, all there was to do was listen to the descriptions of upcoming books, eat, drink coffee, and smoke. In those days, one could smoke wherever they liked and everyone around me smoked through the meetings. I don't drink coffee, I'm not a compuslive eater, so I smoked.
I probably smoked sometime during college, clubbing and socializing, but not the way I did when I was working.
At some point that year I discovered I was pregnant. K and I had been trying to conceive but I didn't think it would happen as quickly as it did. It was easy to stop smoking. I spent too much time throwing up to even consider cigarettes, so I stopped before I even knew I was pregnant.
I smoked again during 1989. I was back at work, freelance, at Viking Penguin, and I was anxiety ridden and surrounded, once again, by smokers. We were able to smoke in the office so it was easy. K was working to move within the ranks from Production Coordinator to Producer and didn't work as much as he had in previous years, so I was worrying.
I can always find an excuse.
I don't think I smoked when the writers went on strike in 1988 - K didn't have work for a long time then either. And I didn't smoke in 2001 when 9/11 effected several businesses that K had ties to, even though I took a job and was very afraid. And I never smoked through dozens of other crisis situations that effected our family.
I'm smoking now though.
I started sometime in June. I don't remember if there was a specific thing that made me buy a pack of cigarettes. It could have been the trips to the emergency room that month, it could have been PMS, I really can't recall.
I don't like that I'm smoking - but I like to smoke.
It feels better to have something to do when I fret, though I try to wash my hands, never smoke anywhere near Youngest, and always feel ashamed about it.
I know all the arguments against it: the health issues, the risks, the dangers - and yet, for now, I can find reasons each day to use smoking to steady my nerves.
I tell myself that I'm not addicted, but know I am.
I try not to have more than a certain number a day - but that doesn't always work.
I don't like that I'm doing it - but I like doing it.
Each of the times that I smoked I quit when I wanted to.
I stopped cold-turkey.
I tell myself that's what I'll do this time too... maybe when K is settled, when Youngest seems safe for a certain period of time, or when I'm feeling less fragile.
I tell myself this.
And I hope it's true.
Comments
You'll quit when you're ready.
I don't smoke much. It can take me two to three months to get through a carton - sometimes that last pack is on the verge of stale - even though they're in the refrigerator and still sealed.
I, like you, like to smoke. I also will stop. Some day. I hope it's true for me, and I hope it's true for you.
There's NOTHING virtuous about that. I traded one vice for another. I have been overweight for years now. I often think about switching vices again--probably both as unhealthy but at least one is less visible.
(God forbid, I should actually NOT have a vice, you know?!)
I think: whatever gets you through. You're a wonderful person, BB and 'ef 'em if someone has anything else contrary to say!
Like others have said, you'll quit when you're ready.
is so damn bad for you, or I would still do it. On a weird , maybe more positive ? note, my mother smoked for YEARS, decades, a pack or two a day. And she died of cirrhosis of the liver. The 'punchline'? She was pretty much a teetotaler.
so have a smoke, and there will come a time when you'll quit. and then start up again. and quit again, etc. and so what?
I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with smoking a few cigarettes a day if they are of good quality tobacco with no additives and pesticides. It's probably good to take some deep, relaxing breaths, even if they are smokey.
So enjoy -- you'll quit when you are ready. Guilt is far more carcinogenic than tobacco, in my opinion.
I have smoked a hundred years. Never tried to quit, but--like you-- never smoked around the children. I never smoked IN the house when the children were at home. (Always the garage or the patio)
But when I remarried and moved back to tobacco country, I married a 2-pack-a-day-er, so we smoke where we want and when we want. I still manage to do less than a pack a day.
There are worse things...
I'm glad you didn't close the comments.
xo,
SL
I started smoking when I was 20, when I learned how to inhale for a scene I was acting in. Although I had been a nearly militant anti-smoker up until that point I hated how fake smokers look on stage.
I've quit for months at a time, and years at I time. I used to start smoking again each time I worked at a particular theatre and would quit when the show closed.
I've also always quit cold turkey. There've been times when I was just smoked out, and that was it, and other times when it was a more conscious decision.
These days, I usually wait until after dark to smoke, and end the day with a cig or two. Actually, I've been a little stressed out the past week or so and have been having three.
I know it's a short-term solution, but in the short-term, we gotta do what we gotta do to soothe ourselves, and as everyone else has been saying, I believe you and I will both quit when we are ready.
There are definitely worse vices out there...
Hang in there!
Don't beat yourself up, babe.
Smoke and B happy.
You are in flux and so you smoke. When you are ready you will quit again. I am still more amazed you can watch Survivior then you are in the bathroom blowing smoke out the window!! Better the kids find Mom out back having a smoke then drunk on the couch in the middle of the day. Hang in there.
Are you soothed?
If you've kicked it before, you'll be able to when you're really ready.
i overeat. and overdrink. and then overeat some more. and maybe smoke a cigarette depending on the crowd (after overdrinking but before overeating).
true confessions.
TYPO!
ack.
I'd smoke with you. I like it with coffee in the morning, and with red wine with dinner.
Not always, but with friends, it's sneaky, and I like it.
it's a little like wrassling the devil and winning, eh? a little fuck you to death and disease? damnit, there should be a little badass fuck you somewhere in your life. smoke 'em while you got 'em, enjoy 'em, and quit it when you're ready, chica.
I am sure you will stop as you've done in the past. My brother is like you. On/off. He was back on beofre leaving for the US...I wonder if he's still smoking...
One woman's addiction.....
But truly, I miss a cigarette on a warm summer night, with a cup of coffee on the porch.
And now I have cross-addicted to grande-skim-lattes-one-pump-SF caramel.
And also maybe jealous.
While I don’t smoke and don’t like to be around smoke, I understand where you are coming from.
Thank you, once again, for your honesty. It is one of the things that keeps me coming back to your blog every day.
that's all I'm sayin'.