more than you want to know

Some months I have wicked PMS.
Other months my cycles take me by surprise...but that's not the case this month and I'm at a loss for how to feel better while I wait.
So, I googled breast discomfort and found this helpful list of home remedies.
Let's discuss it, shall we?

Switch your diet. Change to one low in fat and high in fiber.
May I just say? My diet is pretty balanced. While I enjoy cheese and put half and half in my coffee, I like high fiber foods too - and eat them with some regularity. (that's almost a joke)

Stay slim.
All right - look here, I may not be skinny, I could lose, I don't know 7 pounds? ten maybe, but I am not an especially big woman. I wear an 8. And, at stores with weird sizing, sometimes a 6.
So just shut up.

Get your vitamins. Be sure to get plenty of foods rich in vitamin C, calcium, magnesium, and B.
See note above regarding balanced diet. Vitamins make me sick to my stomach. I don't like taking pills. Forget it.

Pass on the margarine and other hydrogenated fats.
No problem. Never have them. Next?

Comfort from Castor Oil

To get relief from breast inflammation, try this castor oil compress recommended by Christiane Northrup, M.D. She says it helps heal minor breast infections, too.
You'll need cold-pressed castor oil, a wool flannel cloth, a piece of plastic, and a heating pad.
Fold the cloth into four layers and saturate it with the oil, but make sure it's not so wet that it will drip on the breast. Put the cloth on the breast, cover with plastic, and then apply the heating pad. Turn the setting on the pad up to moderate, and then hot, if you can stand it, says Dr. Northrup. Leave it on for an hour.

You may need to use the compress for three to seven days to really see results. "This can often be extremely beneficial for taking away pain," she says.

WTF? First origami with a piece of plastic? What plastic? Cling film stuff? Castor oil? Which smells, right? And then a heating pad for an hour. Sure. And I'll see results in three to seven days. Sounds good. Or I could just get my period.

Keep calm.
Shut the fuck up.

Cut out all caffeine.
We are a total de-caf house.

Skip the pepperoni pizza.
We have pizza about three times a year. If they mean don't eat anything salty, cheesy, tomato-y and warm, then that's going to be a problem.

Stay away from diuretics.
Thanks. I've been taking Pamprin for two days.

Reach for an OTC.
Hey. Wait a minute...

Apply cold.
That doesn't sound very comfortable.

Or try heat.
WELL? Which IS IT?

Find a good support bra.
Found. Purchased. Worn. Daily.

Consider reconsidering the pill.
I'm considering menopause, dear.

Try massage to ease fluid accumulation.
K is trying it all the time. Usually when I'm loading the dishwasher and he can sneak up behind me.

Discover the emotional message behind your physical symptoms. "This is absolutely the first thing I look at," says Dr. Northrup. "When I ask my patients 'what's going on in your life around the issue of nurturing or being nurtured?' I often see tears.

"Breasts as the symbol of nurturance are highly charged for women," she adds. "You know that tingling feeling that accompanies the letdown of milk? Some women who have gone through menopause still feel that when they hear a baby cry. That's how closely linked breasts are to the emotions."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry over this one...I think I'll laugh.