more than you want to know

Some months I have wicked PMS.
Other months my cycles take me by surprise...but that's not the case this month and I'm at a loss for how to feel better while I wait.
So, I googled breast discomfort and found this helpful list of home remedies.
Let's discuss it, shall we?

Switch your diet. Change to one low in fat and high in fiber.
May I just say? My diet is pretty balanced. While I enjoy cheese and put half and half in my coffee, I like high fiber foods too - and eat them with some regularity. (that's almost a joke)

Stay slim.
All right - look here, I may not be skinny, I could lose, I don't know 7 pounds? ten maybe, but I am not an especially big woman. I wear an 8. And, at stores with weird sizing, sometimes a 6.
So just shut up.

Get your vitamins. Be sure to get plenty of foods rich in vitamin C, calcium, magnesium, and B.
See note above regarding balanced diet. Vitamins make me sick to my stomach. I don't like taking pills. Forget it.

Pass on the margarine and other hydrogenated fats.
No problem. Never have them. Next?

Comfort from Castor Oil

To get relief from breast inflammation, try this castor oil compress recommended by Christiane Northrup, M.D. She says it helps heal minor breast infections, too.
You'll need cold-pressed castor oil, a wool flannel cloth, a piece of plastic, and a heating pad.
Fold the cloth into four layers and saturate it with the oil, but make sure it's not so wet that it will drip on the breast. Put the cloth on the breast, cover with plastic, and then apply the heating pad. Turn the setting on the pad up to moderate, and then hot, if you can stand it, says Dr. Northrup. Leave it on for an hour.

You may need to use the compress for three to seven days to really see results. "This can often be extremely beneficial for taking away pain," she says.

WTF? First origami with a piece of plastic? What plastic? Cling film stuff? Castor oil? Which smells, right? And then a heating pad for an hour. Sure. And I'll see results in three to seven days. Sounds good. Or I could just get my period.

Keep calm.
Shut the fuck up.

Cut out all caffeine.
We are a total de-caf house.

Skip the pepperoni pizza.
We have pizza about three times a year. If they mean don't eat anything salty, cheesy, tomato-y and warm, then that's going to be a problem.

Stay away from diuretics.
Thanks. I've been taking Pamprin for two days.

Reach for an OTC.
Hey. Wait a minute...

Apply cold.
That doesn't sound very comfortable.

Or try heat.
WELL? Which IS IT?

Find a good support bra.
Found. Purchased. Worn. Daily.

Consider reconsidering the pill.
I'm considering menopause, dear.

Try massage to ease fluid accumulation.
K is trying it all the time. Usually when I'm loading the dishwasher and he can sneak up behind me.

Discover the emotional message behind your physical symptoms. "This is absolutely the first thing I look at," says Dr. Northrup. "When I ask my patients 'what's going on in your life around the issue of nurturing or being nurtured?' I often see tears.

"Breasts as the symbol of nurturance are highly charged for women," she adds. "You know that tingling feeling that accompanies the letdown of milk? Some women who have gone through menopause still feel that when they hear a baby cry. That's how closely linked breasts are to the emotions."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry over this one...I think I'll laugh.


Lewis said…
I have this issue reading about my sisters breasts...can we just move along here?
Badger said…
Having been through this myself, I prescribe:

STAYING off caffeine, which sounds like it won't be a problem.

Warm baths. Which I hate, but they do help some.

Lotsa wine (but not in a fucking COMPRESS).

I am considering menopause too, but apparently menopause isn't considering ME as much as I would like it to.
Anonymous said…
I can never tell when it will be a bad boobie month or a good boobie month, but I will tell you that coffee, caffeinated or not, and chocolate for sure, make it worse.

I usually prefer the pain to giving up either of those.

I have been considering menopause for 10 years now. I'm like the woman time forgot. I'll be buying tampax when I'm 80.
BabelBabe said…
sweet jesus. if MEN had these issues, there'd just be some presto-magic pill we all could take. Oh, wait, there is, it's called Percocet, and it's a fucking controlled substance. Life is so unfair. and clearly Ms christiane northrup has her head up her ass.

I am giggling a whole bunch envisioning you wrapped in saran wrap, dripping castor oil. Hmmmm, SEXY. : )
Anonymous said…
I am a long time reader, first time commenter. I have the same symptoms and a nurse suggested evening primrose and Vitamin E. I have been taking it only one month, but I can really notice the difference. Good luck.
Anonymous said…
Oh, fuck off. No, not you, Christine Northrop. That is the dumbest thing I have heard since my mother didn't tell me about menstrual cramps on the theory that if I didn't know about them, I wouldn't have them. Well, guess what? Turns out menstrual cramps aren't all in your head either.

Furthermore, anyone who applies massage to my breasts within seven days of menstruation is a dead man.
Anonymous said…
That castor oil thingie is just plain WRONG on so many levels - stay away
Anonymous said…
Boy am I laughing!
On the other hand I am right in this situation right in this moment...oh oh...not so funny anymore...uh?
And, Happy very Belated Valentine's...
MsCellania said…
CALCIUM - single best alleviator of PMS symptoms. Taken 10 days before your cycle starts, and maybe 4 days into it. Also, topical P4 (Progesterone) like Emerita ProGest, etc. if you don't want to get a prescription for P4 and get it compounded.
MsCellania said…
And you use the P4 from cycle day 14, and for 14 days. First day of cycle is first day of your period. For you fertile folk who never had to know so much about menses
--erica said…
oh there is so much there that makes me want to scream.
Velma said…
First you laugh, then you cry. And then you do it again, every month!

Whee! The Big M can't come soon enough for me, but my doctor tells me not to get my hopes up.
Anonymous said…
Whoa Northrup hate, if it wasn't for people like her women would still be getting shaved and tied down to give birth, a fuckoff is pretty harsh.

Anyway,I take kids chewable vitamins with food to keep them down also a sublingual B which helps keep my head out of the oven.My aging breasts hurt too, just like they did when I was teen
Sarah Louise said…
Calcium helps--and the magnesium in the mix seems to have taken away my chocolate cravings...I can't take ibuprofin or its sisters, the NSAIDS, so if I'm not driving, I skip the Tylenol (which doesn't do much) and go for two Coronas.

Oh and definately warm baths.