I'm not a fashion blogger, but I am opinionated

So I thought I'd weigh in on some of the Oscar fashions, because, believe me, it's the only place I'm willing to weigh in.





Cameron Diaz? HAS GOT TO DO SOMETHING WITH HER HAIR. I can't help it - she always looks like she's dirty. And not in a good way. As for the dress, I honestly feel that I could origami this dress with a starched restaurant napkin.



I think Jennifer Lopez is always well put together. I'll bet this dress is incredibly comfortable and you don't have to wear control top pantyhose with it. And I don't mind the jeweled neckline. The color strikes me as kind of phlegm-y though, and I think it would have been prettier if it was punched up just a tiny bit...



Cate IS gorgeous. And Armani does very subtle and beautiful work - but for some reason this just didn't wow me. But nothing did. This dress looked totally different on television.



Hair too dark. Dress too blue. It looks very prom-y to me.



Considering that this is Oscar De La Renta, who makes what I think are the MOST beautiful gowns in THE WORLD, I am bored. Thank god she took off the Star Trek jacket to receive her award. Also, pockets in formal gowns are not a good idea.



I don't even know who this is, but she shouldn't be wearing this dress. And she should put some bandaids on those nipples.



On the other hand, I don't really know who this is either and yet she is very well turned out. Perhaps the necklace could have been left home as it is competing with the brooch thing. But other than that, well done.

I liked Penelope Cruz's gown too - but I don't have a picture. PC always looks like a lady and I love her accent and I KNOW SHE'S FROM SPAIN, ELLEN.



It's a good thing that Miss Hathaway is posing this way. Her jewelry is the nicest thing on her. The dress was awful and she had some tummy bulge thing going on. Note to Ann: YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A TUMMY BULGE.



What THE HELL. First of all, when I see a woman wearing her hair this way, I just want to move it. It's too contrived for me, that one shouldered hair business. And the dress, well, the dress just screams Queen Amidala. And she needs a bra.

I liked Helen Mirren's dress very much too - no photo. What can I say?



Do you know what my mother would say about Kirsten Dunst's dress? She'd say: oh look, a little something for everyone. And I would agree. A collar, and beading, and pleats and feathers and illusion and tulle and MY GOD, I JUST WANT TO PUT ON A SKIRT AND BLOUSE.



Well played Queen Latifa. If that IS your REAL name.



The fashion critics were all: oh I wonder if Reese is going to go vintage or sexy since her break-up and I'm all like: oh she's going to go sexy! And I was right. And I do think she looks great even if she can cut glass with that chin.



I think Beyonce is one of the most beautiful women in the world. And I think this dress is a travesty of justice and I'm glad I didn't see too much of it. Imagine the meetings concerning its design? And I think we'll put white fruit here. How could it have happened?



Nicole Kidman can't move her mouth anymore. I'm wondering how that happened. I don't like red dresses. I don't like one-shouldered dresses. I don't like this dress. Is that a seam running through her nipple? Why is the bust not fitting her properly? Her hair looks kind of fried too - but I'm not bitter.

I thought it was, quite possibly, the best Oscar telecast I ever saw.
I loved Ellen.
I loved the speeches.
Everyone I thought should win, won.
The sound effects orchestra delighted me, and I nearly stayed awake for the whole show.
And that, my friends, is huge.