I'm not a fashion blogger, but I am opinionated

So I thought I'd weigh in on some of the Oscar fashions, because, believe me, it's the only place I'm willing to weigh in.

Picture 20

Cameron Diaz? HAS GOT TO DO SOMETHING WITH HER HAIR. I can't help it - she always looks like she's dirty. And not in a good way. As for the dress, I honestly feel that I could origami this dress with a starched restaurant napkin.

Picture 19

I think Jennifer Lopez is always well put together. I'll bet this dress is incredibly comfortable and you don't have to wear control top pantyhose with it. And I don't mind the jeweled neckline. The color strikes me as kind of phlegm-y though, and I think it would have been prettier if it was punched up just a tiny bit...

Picture 18

Cate IS gorgeous. And Armani does very subtle and beautiful work - but for some reason this just didn't wow me. But nothing did. This dress looked totally different on television.

Picture 17

Hair too dark. Dress too blue. It looks very prom-y to me.

Picture 16

Considering that this is Oscar De La Renta, who makes what I think are the MOST beautiful gowns in THE WORLD, I am bored. Thank god she took off the Star Trek jacket to receive her award. Also, pockets in formal gowns are not a good idea.

Picture 15

I don't even know who this is, but she shouldn't be wearing this dress. And she should put some bandaids on those nipples.

Picture 14

On the other hand, I don't really know who this is either and yet she is very well turned out. Perhaps the necklace could have been left home as it is competing with the brooch thing. But other than that, well done.

I liked Penelope Cruz's gown too - but I don't have a picture. PC always looks like a lady and I love her accent and I KNOW SHE'S FROM SPAIN, ELLEN.

Picture 13

It's a good thing that Miss Hathaway is posing this way. Her jewelry is the nicest thing on her. The dress was awful and she had some tummy bulge thing going on. Note to Ann: YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A TUMMY BULGE.

Picture 12

What THE HELL. First of all, when I see a woman wearing her hair this way, I just want to move it. It's too contrived for me, that one shouldered hair business. And the dress, well, the dress just screams Queen Amidala. And she needs a bra.

I liked Helen Mirren's dress very much too - no photo. What can I say?

Picture 11

Do you know what my mother would say about Kirsten Dunst's dress? She'd say: oh look, a little something for everyone. And I would agree. A collar, and beading, and pleats and feathers and illusion and tulle and MY GOD, I JUST WANT TO PUT ON A SKIRT AND BLOUSE.

Picture 10

Well played Queen Latifa. If that IS your REAL name.

Picture 9

The fashion critics were all: oh I wonder if Reese is going to go vintage or sexy since her break-up and I'm all like: oh she's going to go sexy! And I was right. And I do think she looks great even if she can cut glass with that chin.

Picture 7

I think Beyonce is one of the most beautiful women in the world. And I think this dress is a travesty of justice and I'm glad I didn't see too much of it. Imagine the meetings concerning its design? And I think we'll put white fruit here. How could it have happened?

Picture 6

Nicole Kidman can't move her mouth anymore. I'm wondering how that happened. I don't like red dresses. I don't like one-shouldered dresses. I don't like this dress. Is that a seam running through her nipple? Why is the bust not fitting her properly? Her hair looks kind of fried too - but I'm not bitter.

I thought it was, quite possibly, the best Oscar telecast I ever saw.
I loved Ellen.
I loved the speeches.
Everyone I thought should win, won.
The sound effects orchestra delighted me, and I nearly stayed awake for the whole show.
And that, my friends, is huge.


robiewankenobie said…
you do read go fug yourself, no? damn, girl, you could write that column. i do so love your pop culture commentary.
Angela said…
I must say, I agree with everything you have said.

And Nicole Kidman? I watched the Oprah Oscar Special (don't tell anyone), and I was shocked at how much "work" her face has endured. Her eyes, her mouth, her cheeks... And then there was the "me Me ME" attitude that I always despise.

Anyway, yes.
Anonymous said…
What is with all the lonnnnnnnng straight fried hair? Enough already!

I enjoyed the show---it made my 2-hour ironing/drinking marathon more enjoyable.

b aka iron matron
Anonymous said…
Ditto on the you are giving those girls at Go Fug Yourself a run for their money comment.

You gotta love the Oscars. What I loved was the thought of all the drooping eyelids in red states that popped open when Melissa Etheridge thanked her "wife."
Heather said…
I think J Lo's dress and Marc Antony's face are the same colour.

Cameron Diaz's hair would have look great, if she'd just stood next to Philip Seymour Hoffman.

And Kirsten Dunst ~ why is she carrying that purse? I'm not sure what part of her ensemble the purse is supposed to blend with.
Anonymous said…
Worst Oscars ever, only made palatable by the fact that Martin Scorcese and his longtime editor Thelma won. The clothes were horrible, the hair was horrible (you read my mind on the Cameron Diaz issue) and no disrespect to J.Hud intended, but the woman who portrayed the Mexican nanny in Babel gave one of the greatest performances in film.

Other than that, though ...
Anonymous said…
I too agree a LOT with you, and F hubby had the very same comment about Reese's chin, which was so hilarious. F NEVER has any gossipy comments about anyone!
The two ladies you don't know are Jessica Biel (COME ON, a bra is a MUST on the Red Carpet, she could strip ANY other day othe year!) and Rachel Weisz, last year winner for supporting actress in The Constant Gardener ( and SHE totally ruined that beautiful dress with the necklace).
Penelope's (Versace) dress was really amazing.
Lastly, the WORST was Meryl's...a true wreck. A shame for the character she played which was a real performance.
Now. Big gossip. Giuliana De Pandi (that's how I can watch the Oscar night...on E!) was born in Napoli and will be getting married in Ravello (half hour from here) on Sept. 1st.
Did you know that? I might pop in to spy on the big shots, if I can...I hear there'll be all kinds of mega stars and the groom to be is H.O.T.
Comments please.
Joke said…
I'm with Mary on this one. Color me heretic, but I'm glad I missed this telecast, even if I do like Ellen.

Oh, and J. Lo? Looked like the Assistant Priestess at the Temple of Amon-Ra. Kirsten Dunst looked like the world's youngest grandmother.


P.S. Not that anyone is keeping score, but...when I was a very young man, Ann Hathaway is exactly the type of girl I dated. Just not in that dress.
Jennifer said…
The girl in the hot pink dress. That's Jessica Biel.. the girl who played Mary on 7th Heaven.
Anonymous said…
Did you see Katie Holmes? She looked quite nice as well. i loved the hair thing she had goin on.
Anonymous said…
Yes, read gofugyourself on Kirsten's dress...

I thought J.Lo looked pregnant.

When will they learn that the big thing hovering on your shoulder never works? And Nicole's hair looked so flat.

But I did like the sparkly blue dress...
Anonymous said…
What was up with all of the paper-bag-colored dresses? Bleh.

I loved Cate Blanchett's. Gorgeous sparkly gunmetal. My favorite.
Anonymous said…
I agree with your & Cate Blanchett were my favorites and I thought JLO really stood out (in a good way). Kirsten Dunst looked like a feather duster
Anonymous said…
Cameron Diaz's dress looks like a bad bride's maind dress - infamous last words that are NEVER true "you can wear it again"
BabelBabe said…
Gwyneth's dress might have been ok in a different color.

And (I'm sorry, all you dear Aussies) Nicole Kidman is GROSS. She looks like she belongs in Madame Tussaud's.
Anonymous said…
Jennifer Lopez's nipple is pointing at someone to the far left of her. At least I think that's a nipple.

Is it just me and my poochy belly or did Reese Witherspoon turn anorexic?

Is that a boy around Kidman's neck? As in ... "I'm all packaged and plastic and happy to see you?" I don't understand why she ruined a perfectly gorgeous face.
Anonymous said…
The pink dress girl who needs band aids is Jessica Biel, from Seventh Heaven. SEVENTH HEAVEN! What would her father, the minister say? The next girl, I think was in 'The Mummy.' I think.
I actually liked what Ellen wore. Dressy for her. Easy to vacuum in.
My favorite part was when Anne Hathaway and her fellow presenter (both from 'The Devil Wears Prada') got flustered that they hadn't gotten Meryl Streep a cappuchino. And Meryl, good sport and master actor just stared stonily at them in character.
Al Gore was good too. And Clint Eastwood.
I think Dreamgirls got robbed on best song.
The "Inconvenient Truth" PC police made sure Melissa won than one. Sorry, that's just what I think.
Anonymous said…
Someone should tell those pale, blonde actresses like Kirsten Dunst and Cate Blanchett and one other one that I don't remember that pale gray is NOT a good color for them. Period.
Unknown said…
It was a good show.

Except the whole Pilobilous thing was ridiculous. Did we need to stretch the show into 4 hours with Pilobilous? And the montages?
Anonymous said…
wow- you really nailed them all!
Good job!
Anonymous said…
Jessica Biel and Rachel Weisz
Anonymous said…
Okay, first of all, it is C'est La Vie. And as for your 'opinionated' tone and comments- those people are on that red capret for a reason and NeWsFlAsH, you are not, but you know, just a thought.