open letters

Dear Blogger:

I really don't want to move to Typepad.
Are you going to make me move to Typepad?
I was never all rah-rah about you, Blogger, but I did quietly support the use of you.
You taunt me with invitations to Beta and then tell me my ass is too fat (um, or my archives are too large, or something).
You do not support my friend Flickr, and I cannot abide by that.
I am getting upset with you and I expect you to do something about it.

Sincerely (and I mean that),

Dear C0-Worker of K's:

I know you all had a very good time at the merger cocktail party last night.
K seemed to have had an awfully fun time!
And he was very tired when he got home last night.
And he went to sleep, because that's what people do after a fun night out.
I would have thought that you would have gone to sleep too, after all, you have a good long commute and though you seem to have 'called in sick' today, I'm sure you needed your sleep.
So, I was wondering...why did you call last night at 11:27pm? Twice?
I know it was only on his cell phone, the call, and that it is always set on vibrate, but it woke me up - and then I woke him up, and then we were both forced to listen to you speaking loudly about something that really didn't make any sense.
And THEN, as you now know, K didn't really make any sense either, did he.
So, yeah, calling my house after 11pm is usually going to land you in incoherentville.
With an aggravated wife.
Try not to let it happen again, kay?


Dear New And Very Important Pediatric Pulmonary Specialist,

Your picture is on the internet.
And it looks like it was big news when you were made chief of the blahdeeblah department.
But I'm a little puzzled (I'm A Little Teapot!).
Why, if you only see children with pulmonary problems, do you only have office hours during school hours?
I'm only saying.

Yours Truly,
Mother of Youngest, who, I guess, is going to be home from school on the 25th with an 11:30 'could be somewhat lengthy' appointment.

Dear Wacky Neighbor Of My Mother's In The Coffee Shop,

Hey, you wacky wacky lady!
I know! Your dog goes EVERYWHERE with you!
I don't like dogs, but that's a different letter.
The thing is, and I think I've made this kind of thing clear in my archives, so you can go check if you want, THE THING IS: the coffee shop is not your boudoir!
I have seen, on many occasions, that you wear lots of gold eyeshadow, and that kicky turban thing, and that nice Cleopatra kohl around your eyes.
You have now confirmed that it is indeed pressed powder that you spackle with.
And the lipstick! It is applied with a brush!
My problem is that I don't want to watch you 'put on your face' whilst having my coffee.
If I did, you'd find me sitting on your toilet each morning in anticipation of the wonderful show I just saw over my baguette.
I know where you live.
And your little DOG too!

Yours Truly.

Dear New Nextdoor Neighbor With The Quirky 9 Year Old And The Adorable Twins (15 months),

Your kids are SO cute.
I know, the girl is just a scootch odd, but I like that in a kid.
Yes, carrying around a tiny dressed mouse doll is kinda funny, but, hey, my 12 year old is totally attached to that Ugly Doll (tm).
And those babies!
Gad, there is nothing cuter than watching them stumble around on the lawn while they try to run into the street and stuff.
And, boy oh boy, they are early risers!
5:30, huh?
And we're doing the CIO, are we?
How many days/weeks does that take?
Did you know we got some calls from K's co-worker after 11 last night?

Hey, I'll see you on the block,



Anonymous said…
ouch. no sleep, huh? come on over to typepad. then i won't have to deal with this stupid window when i want to comment on blackbird. i have no idea how complex the migration would be, though.
Anonymous said…
Open letters are so very freeing. And yours are so very hilarious.

I especially enjoyed the one to your mother's neighbor--who sounds delightful.

To me, very few things are as fascinating as seeing an older, gold-eyeshadow-wearing, turban-bedecked, and Cleopatra-esque, Diva applying her face, whilst sitting in a little coffee shop, with her pooch, in the morning.
What a great show that would be.
BabelBabe said…
I'm sorry about the CIO thing, I am, I swear! It should only take a few nights. Seriously.

And turn down that GD electric bass!

Was said coworker female? Perhaps she was satiating a secret crush? Perhaps he/she is just an idiot? And if so, does K really want to continue working there, supporting merger with idiots?

also, please, please, don't tease us. post about the weird nine yo neighbor. PLEASE.
Badger said…
Now see, when I read "doing the CIO" I thought maybe your neighbor was boffing the chief information officer. Of something.

Damn attachment parenting.
Jennifer said…
I've tried the blogger beta.. I don't like it. I've tried wordpress, I don't like it. I've decided to stick with plain old blogger. What do I get for that. Errors and painfully slow publishing.

They better smarten up!
Anonymous said…
For those of us with dinky archives and pitiful posting, the nuevo blogger is working fine. Commenting is a bit painful.
Open letters are a wonderful thing. Ever so much more satisfying than letters written but never sent (said in my Best Shirley Temple voice).
And yes; do tell about that 9 yo neighbor.
Anonymous said…
"my friend Flickr"! *snort*
Paula said…
YOU are such a mindreader!

I was thinking just this morning of moving to typepad.

At this point, it would be worth paying for. (I think).
Katy said…
um... I totally read that as your neighbor was having an early morning affair with the Chief Information Officer (why might be her husband)... so what is CIO? I'll have to google it.
Anonymous said…'s CIO? Centro Italiano di Ornitologia????
Loved the open letters...
And, I see late night calls are new to you...I h.a.t.e. them, since Noodle was born they annoy me to the deepest.
Eliane said…
Last time I did an open letter on my blog, I got an angry email from the journalist it was adressed at, about reputation damage and such. My husband sent almost the same letter to the tv program he works for, and never heard anything back. They are so afraid of the internet! And what is CIO?
blackbird said…
CIO is a parenting term for Cry It Out.
You'll have to google it as it is a whole parenting technique...
Anonymous said…
I would think CIO (which, I have to say...I had no idea there was an official acronym for this) could wait until winter when all the windows are closed.
Anonymous said…
Wow. Well, I love Blogger beta, and I'm pretty sure I did read something about it *does* support Flickr.

What I love about Blogger that no other blog platform has: getting to see everyone's profile pix when you post comments. I'm silly that way. I probably will stay with Blogger even if it blows up, just for that. Oh, and the free thing.

Had never heard of CIO as an acronym.

And I loved how the last letter tied in with the second letter.
Eliane said…
Thanks for explaining, I had no idea!
Anonymous said…
Typepad is very cool and seems to be less fiddly than the Blogger from what I read... though I've never used Blogger other than to leave a comment, which is often painful enough. Typepad folks have a NEW free blogging software program called VOX it is by invitation only. I've been playing with it over the last few days and it is VERY cool. This is the blog I created
I can send you an invite or you can go here and request one.