the survivors

It's that time -
I haven't figured out the dinner yet (I was considering a big fat roast CHICKEN), but we are ready.
Survivor shapes part of our week.
Monday is back to school, tuesday is meaningless, wednesday is music lessons, thursday is Survivor night. It has been that way for all 13 seasons of's like 'family game' night with social/fashion/psychological commentary.
And we start each season with me doing a little run down of each of the tribe members.
Hence - in alpha order, and with as much snark as I can muster (though I did not see any professional fire eaters or strippers on the list) are my first impressions of the contestants.

Adam- at 28, Adam has the hunky good looks that lead me to believe he will be shirtless for 13 weeks. He works in copier sales - and I don't think he's the first player to do that for a living and he was 'very involved' in a fraternity in college. He has appeared in the MTV show The Grind which I'm guessing has to do with coffee?

Becky - is also 28 and lovely, but she's a lawyer. And a kickboxer. And no dummy judging from her credentials. She's a big Steelers fan, and eats Smart Start. Oh, and, she's gorgeous.

Billy - he's big. And he wears a rag on his head AT HOME. Billy is a heavy metal guitarist and a pro-wrestler. And he's 36. He lives in New York, I'm guessing in a basement apartment, where he (according to his favorites list) listens to a lot of Metal, eats Froot Loops and plays a lot of action packed video games. Personally, I'm hoping he leaves his shirt on for the 3 episodes he manages to stay.

Brad is 29 and a fashion director in Los Angeles, at Lucky Jeans. Lucky us. His favorites list is just too too much. And if he is str8t (oh! look at me, I'm all chat room!) then I will eat my keyboard.

Candice - I'm thinking that, as she is a student, from North Carolina (can you hear my accent) that she's Candy. OOOOhhh! She got a perfect score on her math SAT. And she's done lots of charity work, she's into rough outdoor sports and is the third person to list To Kill A Mockingbird as her favorite book (must be the fill in answer - don't people read that in 7th grade?).

Cao Boi - Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" (pronounced Cowboy)(because AHNTWAN wasn't as cool?) is a Prelate, Loyal Order Of Moose. I'm going to have to look that up. So many moose jokes lie before me. He's got an intriguing past but it all leads up to now. Now, with the moose business and the managing of a nail salon in Virginia. He's got some crazy looking tattoos and I guess it is not really necessary for me to point out that Cao, as I prefer to call him, will be our character player.

Cecilia - godI'mstillatthebeginningofthealphabet...29, boring bio, really. Nothing remarkable. Looks chesty. Okay?

Cristina is a cop. Once, she was nearly crushed to death by a car. AND she's been shot in the line of duty. She's done a bunch of tv work since regaining the use of her arm - and I'm hoping that she has a really cool desk job now. She's 35, lives in LA and likes to play Medal of Honor which should not come as any surprise.

Jenny - Jenny is adorable and a real estate agent and 36 and has always been a tomboy.
Like everyone else on the list, her favorite scents are vanilla and lavender. Go figure. She drinks La Croix water.

Oh, here we go! Jessica is a performance artist/rollergirl! With blonde rasta hair!
Most recently she was a Nor Cal Roller girl who went by the name "Flicka Flame." She was also the team captain of the undefeated Roller Derby Team titled "VooDoo Dolls," where she also designed the uniforms and was the artistic coordinator of the theme (she named the team and created the theatrics). She is also an all-star member of "Hustlers."

I'm not sure you people realize what I go through to bring you this information.

Okay, back to reality, Jonathan is a 44 year old producer. With excellent credentials. He's got a wife and kids and likes beer and chips. He's not even especially good looking...

JP is a 30 year old professional volley ball player. I don't know how you get that job.
He's single, adorable and likes oatmeal cookies, ladies.

Nathan is 26 and works in retail and has some puppy hair and is too too cute. He's a hip hop boy and likes Hennessy with apple juice - which has kind of a drunken nursery school vibe to it.

Ozzy is a 25 year old waiter from Venice California. His favorite list is that of a 25 year old waiter, from Venice California.

Parvati is a boxer AND a waitress. And 23. Her last name is Shallow. REALLY.
Her favorite scents? Coffee...cookies...AND MEN.

some of these just write themselves. I don't even need to tell you that, do I?

Rebecca is a famous make-up artist from NY. People on television are talking about her.
She is breathtakingly beautiful and likes pinot - so she's okay with ME.

Sekou wears a rag on his head too. And I would like to see him tangle with Billy who appears to be a poser-head-rag-wearer. Sekou is 45, huge looking, and a jazz musician and recording artist. He's got a bunch of kids and a grandbaby, and likes sunflowers and carnations and I am just FALLING FOR HIM. He reads Forbes! and likes to go fishing.... He's the kind of guy who could be gone on the first show, or win.

Stephannie with two n's is a nursing student. She is married to her high school sweetheart, Rodd, and they have two children, Raynah and Ryan. Voted out on the second show. You heard it here first.

Sundra is 31 and an actress, who's actually been on some stuff. Gorgeous. But aside from the fact that she likes to eat fruit? I don't see a survivor here.

Do I get more negative as I get further down the list?

Finally, Yul. Yul is a 31 year old management consultant (I have never known what that means) who has a good resume. He appears to be fit, would look good without a shirt and, here at the bottom of the list, I can only think of one reason why he was chosen. And it's not a good one.

There you have them.
Have AT them...
you know we will,


jenny said…
you just made my day.
Anonymous said…
I am normally not a Survivor watcher, but after reading these and learning that Candice is from my home town and went to the same high school as me, I just may have to!
Thanks for the list.....
Anonymous said…
I haven't watched Survivor since they were in Thailand. But this is good character description regardless! Thanks for all you do for us, bb.
Joke said…
Wow. 13 seasons?

They grow up so fast.

Paula said…
Poor Tuesday!
Badger said…
I don't understand why they can't find a Stephanie who spells her name correctly. You would think in 13 seasons they'd come across one. But no.
Anonymous said…
Thank you for all your hard work here. I should print this out and keep it by the TV. This does not bode well, does it? Where are the Rupurts of yesteryear?
Anonymous said…
Somethign tells me Survivor is BIG in the US.
It never made it in Italy, they tried and it was a huge flop.
Go figure...
Agree with PJ...poor Tuesday!
Jennifer said…
Evil Science Chick aka ESC...One of the bloggers I read went to school with Becky.
--erica said…
I do realize...and I thank you!

gosh.. is it Survivor time already?
Priscilla said…
Thank you, thank you, thank you. No I do not know what you go through to get this information but I am eternally grateful that you do.

I am definatly going to print this out and keep it by the TV.

Survivor is an addiction. I don't invite anyone over, I don't answer the phone, and I make sure BH has all his needs met before it starts.

A Wren said…
And here I was thinking I had to keep my Survivor addiction hidden from others like some sort of dark, dirty secret.

All the kewl kids are watching!
Bec said…
I love that you say of Becky that she's lovely BUT she's a lawyer.