Are there any new readers out there?
I believe there are.
Okay, so, what I do is: I write a recap of survivor each friday.
Sometimes I write it at night and you can have it with your coffee...
sometimes I have to take a Chlortrimeton 12 and go to bed.

Last night my mom arrived for dinner (with her new Devil Wears Prada haircut),
we ate chitterlings, kim chee, rice and beans and roast beef, and we took our places in the living room to watch our favorite show.
And it did not disappoint.

It opened with a terrific ship being tossed on a turquoise sea.
Jeff ratcheted up the tension by explaining that the teams would have just a few minutes to scavenge what they could and take it with them overboard (why is it just occurring to me now that jumping over the side of a ship would scare me?) and head off to their spots on an island.
And it seemed pretty tense, there on the decks of this great 'social experiment.'
Someone stole a chicken.

Over the side they went, 20 of them, four teams, which is what? four more people than usual?

I can't possibly remember the tribe names at this point. But I do have the key players names.

Billy takes the lead.
He wears a rag on his head and a tee shirt with a skull on it.
I believe he lives in a basement apartment - so you remember him now, right?
It appears that though he's put himself in charge, he doesn't know what he's doing.
All that mass does not necessarily equal strength either.
Ozzy gets annoyed and takes over.

At another camp, Yul is having problems with Cao Boi, and he isn't even aware of the spelling that Cao Boi is using.
Cao Boi is one of those I've Been There kind of guys and he is just not going to let that rest.
He's going to bore his tribe to bits with tales from his life, which, cannot be too thrilling in the recent past as he is the manager of a nail salon.

Across the island, Stephannie is all about 'representing.'
Middle suspected that someone, somewhere would be busy with the 'representing' and, it turns out that the 'representing' is very important to the folks on this side of the island.
And I still haven't used the word 'representing' as much as they did.
Sekou takes the leadership role here and he seems a likeable guy.
He's wearing a rag on his head too - he's the guy I'd like to see up against Billy the-head-rag in a little duel.

Good god, there is a girl with the highest high socks I've ever seen at the fourth camp.
Oh, it's the roller girl. Of course.
And is her name Flicka?
Well Flicka effs up - as we say, and lets the chickens out.
Also, she has a thousand tattoos and blond dreadlocks and a silly purple hat.

Generalized observations?
No one is over 35.
There are no fat women.
Everyone is pretty.
Really, go back to the cbs site - where there is an inner tube for you to look at...
there are no unattractive or older players.
(How's that for superficial and biased?)

All right, all right, it's day 2.
I learn that the yellow team is called Hiki, and Hiki find water.
The women are bonding - well, two of them are, and the men are bonding.
Sekou tries to make fire but needs a nap.
Note to Sekou: you don't take a nap on day 2.

Raro (red, I think), has no fire, and (in a baby voice) are cold!
But they are also really really good looking and young and muscle-y and, you know, like, into it, so, they, like CAN SNUGGLE. oooooooh! who's a snuggle bunnywunny? Who?

At the Puka tribe, Brad had a 'bad wind' that was giving him a headache. We thought bad wind was something else entirely - but we were wrong! So Cao Boi, who has done the diagnosing, does some voodoo skull massage and uses a rare ancient pinching technique leaving Brad with a big hickey between his eyes.
But Brad tells us that his headache is GONE.
And he tells us this in a voice that I will not attempt to imitate.
Even though I must use great restraint in not imitating it. (IwillbeniceIwillbenice)

Thank god we've had enough character development, because it's time for a challenge.
The tribes meet, the chicken thief is exposed (his name is Jonathan - oh, I think he's the producer!) and the challenge is explained.
Teams must cross a sewage filled trench, build a boat, paddle to get fire, go back to shore, build a puzzle, climb a pyramid and light a torch.
The reward is fire and a piece of a squatting idol.
I learn that the name of the fourth tribe is Aitu. Oldest will spend the evening calling them iTunes.
It's an exciting battle full of broken stereotypes and plot twists.
Actually it's a chance to take a bathroom break as it plays out pretty much like every challenge we've ever seen, complete with sudden race for the finish as the previously lagging team makes a giant leap just towards the end.
All teams but Hiki win.
And so Hiki (and I totally DON'T get this) get to choose a player to spend the night on Exile Island.
Why does the loser get this privilege? I don't know.
But they choose the chicken thief.
And he has a miserable time of it.
(It is pretty there though.)

Hiki trudge away.
They have to send someone home.
And, as you may remember, two of their women have made friends, and the men are pretty tight.
Sekou makes a bid to have Stephannie voted off - to save his butt.
And off they go to tribal council.
On a big shipwreck.
Which is very picturesque.
The team fill Jeff in on tribal life.
Jeff explains how fire, in this game, represents life.
(I swear we can do all his lines. Sometimes, if someone gets up for some ice cream, Middle will do Jeff's lines, word for word, when they return.)
Nate mentions that they are very busy 'representing.'
I note that Nate is, in fact, a cutie pie -
but Mom points out that he flips his hair too often.
And it ends with Sekou being voted out.
Which is good because he can go home and take a nap.

And that's it.
For Survivor.

I would like to mention two things regarding the commercials during Survivor.
Because, you know, we are very involved in the commercial world here in Tuvalu...
There were fewer car commercials than there have been in the past - I thought I would point that out. Then again, they aren't giving a car away right now, on the show, so that could have something to do with it.
And WHAT THE HELL IS UP with CSI? Is there a CSI Ohio?
Where ISN'T there a CSI?
Does the world need this many CSI's?
Sheesh -

Finally, imagine if dishwasher detergent companies were truthful in their ads -
cause what they would say is:
Listen, NO ONE can get egg salad off a plate, but our soap is pretty darn good at mashed potatoes!
Do you actually think you can get away with NOT scraping off a lasagna plate? Because our soap is okay with tomato sauce, but unless your dishwasher has teeth and fingernails, no soap is gonna chew noodles.

I'm only sayin.


Anonymous said…
I'm also curious about why, after the "yellow" tribe (let's not call them the black tribe!) votes off Sekou (and I'm heartily glad those women didn't cave), Jeff tosses them a reward of fire.

What the? So for losing, they not only get to send someone to exile island, but they get fire?

Liberal guilt anyone?

ALSO, I've determined that your family eats better than anyone else on the internet.
blackbird said…
It is odd, isn't it?
We wondered out loud why tribe members don't say:
hey, don't worry about fire! if we lose, we get it at tribal council!

they always give fire at tribal council because they need those torches 'to symbolize life' and they cannot walk home without the torches - hence, FIRE.

ALSO, I was joking about the meal - and perhaps you were too.
Anonymous said…
i don't even watch survivor but your accounting of it is hilarious and very entertaining in its own right!
Badger said…
Dude! HAHAHA on your menu! I worry sometimes that people will take you at face value and not realize how clever you are. I am sure this bothers me more than it bothers you.

Stephenniennieneie was the swing vote. Sundra was the one Sekou was trying to vote out.

And here is the only other thing I took away from last night: Yul is hott.
Anonymous said…
you were joking about the meal? knowing how well you eat, (cause i have been to tuvalu) i was trying to decide if kinchee and rb go together, and was thinking, if they are eating it, they go!

fire. ok, so let's pretend for the sake of argument that you (or i ) are gonna be on survivor. tell me you wouldn't go to your back yard, and spend six months perfecting the following skills. building things out of bamboo, starting a fire with nothing. balancing games, and stamina games. In fact, those skills sould come in handy in off to the backyard.

no car commercials, cause GM pulled advertising cause of that thing we arent discussing.

sueeeus said…
My husband laughs at those silly dishwasher soap ads because those built in rinse aids and such wash out with the soap in the rinse cycle with everything else. How's a dishwasher going to know to keep the rinse aid part around until later in the cycle. C'mon!
robiewankenobie said…
i am so glad that sekou got out quickly. that whole "you can't do this without me" speech? bad move. that just pisses people off. he should have gone with the "i can really help you speech." a much better approach.

i find it interesting that since everyone is divided by cafeteria table, and thus that thing we aren't discussing [twad], can't be an issue...they are already separating themselves by gender.
--erica said…
oh no.. I remember one tribal council.. last season.. he made them extinguish fire because they didn't earn it?? I was shocked with the fire thing too.

Amy A. said…
I think the first episode should be two hours. That's my only complaint.

Loved the re-cap.
Anonymous said…
Chitterlins and Kim Chee. You scared me for a minute.

Anonymous said…
I fell asleep in a Lortab haze last night and missed the entire thing! And forgot to DVR it. I'll catch it after this week, and I'll definitely come by for your recap.

I also remember in the past Jeff made the losing tribe extinguish their torches before "heading back to camp" since they hadn't earned it. So they got to keep it last night???
christa said…
that free-fire-for-the-losers thing was a total cop-out! i was all, like, "HEY!" and then i was totally, like, "NO FAIR!"

and my take on the losers-picking-the-exile thing is that it's a delayed retribution strategy on the producer's part. ol' chicken-stealer will remember that dreadlocks boy sent him to the island and WILL HAVE A VENDETTA against him when he gets back. so while the losers were immediately thinking "ooh, we get a prize. we get to send someone to exile island" little did they realize that the prize will bite them in the ass later on.

the losing girls, by the way, were smart to stay out of it and let the boys make the choice.

and finally, i think the women are pretty, but the men, on the whole, are not.

except the asian met (save for cao boi), who are totally hot.

the asians aren't on the yellow team, are they? that would be so wrong. wronger than segregating the tribes, even.

i am done now.
savvycityfarmer said…
I am a new reader...but sadly I don't watch survivor...what's a girl to do...

chat soon.
Life said…
cao boi (sp?) is over 35 and i would guess the guy voted off last night was too. i though the whole bad wind part was pretty interesting...
Deb R said…
Since Flicka is self-described as "alternative", was I the only one who found myself wondering if she's a militant vegetarian and maybe "lost" the chickens accidently-on-purpose? Just a thought...
jenny said…
I am a shining example for a lack of self control. I knew this post would be here Friday but could I stay away? nooooo.

we just finished watching and i have to say i thought cao boi would be younger & sekou made some serious tactical errors, with the napping.

tell b to get down off the post in the middle of his backyard - he wins a jar of peanut butter and a hershey bar... but his neighbors are starting to talk.
Deb said…
Hi! I found your blog though Corey's... and have been sitting here for the past 1/2 hour laughing and totally enjoying your writing! Especially the first day of school critique - my boys are now 23 and 27 - long past first days of school, but it seems like yesterday. I'm so curious... why do the seemingly "mundane" lives of strangers fascinate us so much? Are we all looking for that common thread?I'll be back soon to read more of your adventures in living :0)