January 20, 2015

open letters

Ed: Despite these mostly cranky letters, I am doing better.


To The Asshole Who Left His Blackberry On The Train, Twice,

Dear Asshole,

I know life is very very busy. Believe me, I do. And I'm sure it's hard work checking a blackberry and a cell phone constantly during your 30 minute commute. I noticed you managed to check your stock portfolio on your iPad too. You are a genius. So, when you left the blackberry behind I realized how important it was and brought it home.  Youngest noted it was the very same blackberry we rescued last year. Then you stood us up and we scrambled for 24 hours, babysitting the thing as we awaited your return...in your big black Range Rover...with no concern for our time or priorities. So, you're welcome, Asshole. Next time (and there will be a next time) I'm bringing it to Lost and Found.
Good luck.




Untitled

Dear Campbell's Soup,

I don't think anything seems more disgusting than soup in a pouch. Adding people's faces to the packaging only makes me scratch my head. Why do they look so goofy? How does one extract the soup? What's wrong with a can? Does the pouch go in the microwave? I was too scared to look.
I guess selling soup is a tough racket.
Good luck.


Dear Pinterest,

Don't, don't, don't, do not choose pins for me based on what else I've pinned. Sometimes I'm in an odd mood when I pin something. Sometimes I've had a brainstorm. Sometimes I'm just being nice to someone - we needn't build a board around it. Sure, I've pinned How To Clean Your Refrigerator but that doesn't mean I want to know the 50 Things Peanut Butter is Good For. A helpful internet friend advised on how to undo the setting.
Good luck.



Untitled

Dear Red Juice,

You are vile.
Best of luck.


Untitled

Dear Fried Eggs,

 I love you.

 bb

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Haha! I LOVE open letters. Especially yours. And man, I cannot get enough of fried eggs either. So PS, fried eggs: jbhat loves you too!

jbhat

Little Miss Sunshine State said...

As soon as I saw that someone had told you to change the settings, I changed mine. YAY!

Mr Blackberry is obviously one of my "favorite" kind of people. The ones who think they are really special.

Paola said...

Oh Mr. Blackberry.
You are one lucky bastard.

Patience_Crabstick said...

This legit made me laugh out loud. Pinterest and their "selected for you" pins. No thank you. Just because, ONE time, I pinned a green smoothie recipe, does not mean I am now a vegan and want to see only vegan recipes.

kmkat said...

Re: soup and other food in a pouch. The pouch weighs less than a can; therefore, the manufacturer and distributor are both saving money in the shipping department. Out of curiosity, why is soup in a pouch disgusting? I am totally with you about the goofy face, but the fact of the pouch doesn't bother me.

NorahS said...

dear bb,

i love your blog. your posts delight me.

norahs

Duyvken said...

Mr Blackberry's parents probably think he is a precious snowflake.

Active Lisa said...

You can add my name to the "from" for your Pinterest letter. I really don't want wedding ideas, I'm married. Just because I pinned an interesting wedding hair clip.

Mary Duan said...

Hate people who think their time is more valuable than anyone else's, hate Pinterest ordering me around, love fried eggs. I vote yes on this post.

Anonymous said...

Dear Blackbird,
You are a treasure.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Always the fried egg.