from McSweeney's in honor of the Olympics


DIVES NOT RECOGNIZED BY THE OLYMPIC DIVING COMMITTEE.

BY 



A forward double flip with one and one half twists with a half-caf half-decaf double espresso.

A forward 2 1/2 somersault while smoking a pipe and readingRemembrance of Things Past.

A back 1 1/2 somersault with 1 1/2 twists while contemplating the fleeting nature of athletic excellence.

A backward 2 1/2 somersault with 1 twist while ordering Chinese food on a cell phone.

An inward 2 1/2 somersault with 1 twist while in the sitting-on-the-toilet-reading-a-newspaper position.

A forward 3 1/2 somersault with the hand clap from the Friends theme song in a pike position.

A triple Lutz with a forward 1 1/2 somersault while wearing ice skates with a big splash.

An inward 3 1/2 somersault tuck while wearing a bulletproof vest and being shot at.

Moonwalking off the diving platform into a back 2 1/2 somersault with a crotch grab while playing the air guitar.

A forward 1 1/2 somersault while flapping arms and making airplane jokes.

A backward 1 1/2 somersault with 2 1/2 twists in the arms-wrapped-tightly- around-the-neck-so-it-looks-like-I’m- making-out-with-someone-from-behind position.



Hard to believe I wrote this four years ago. That last lovely comment came in only a few months ago and are, by far, the angriest words ever posted here. I stand by my original post. Synchronized swimming = grueling and difficult + sometimes silly looking.

Comments

Adore your list.
Can't wait CAN'T WAIT for the kickoff tonight. Better than the NFL.
Crazy Mom Tats! said…
I have to say I totally agree - especially about the nose clips. I've also loved (and cringed when I saw) the SNL video on the sport.
WOW. Giggling at synchro is clearly as OUT-OF-BOUNDS as questioning the value of a thermomix. Query its validity and they unleash the hounds on you.

Those last few commenters need a hug.
Those anon commenters from your old post sound like they have a serious swimsuit wedgie.

As for the dives... my favorite is the one with the ordering of Chinese food.
--V said…
I so wanted someone to yell, "Cannonballlllll!" and splash the 1st three rows upon entry into the pool.

But I'm a little immature.

Popular Posts