Off the Couch and Back in the Bedroom in One Easy Step

There are lots of things I love when I return from a vacation - my own bed, shower-water that actually hits my body and rinses me off, our own home cooking and sorting through the catalogues that have accumulated over the week we've been away.

Last week's offerings did not disappoint.
My favorite? Stauer. Smart Luxuries Surprising Prices.
Stauer offers watches, eye wear, coins and collectibles, and jewelry.
All of it luxurious - each item cleverly priced.

I ask you: how could you not consider purchasing a suitcase so lovingly photographed?

Picture 1

It looks like it could take the trip without you! Is that a rainbow?
In most cases, luxury luggage built to be beautiful will crack under the pressure of real world abuse. That's why you need a bag that can take a beating on cobblestone backstreets and still look fabulous rolling into the lobby of the Four Seasons Milan.
Great copy, though I do find myself wondering what "luxury luggage" is as this bag retails for $295.

And, to pack in that suitcase sent from heaven?

Picture 2

The ubiquitous travel dress - here named the One Dress. Not to be confused with the Indispensable Dress or the No Stress Dress, the One Dress is Lycra (already I'm sweating a little), has no "fussy buttons" and, at 50 inches long, for me, could double as formal wear.

Do you have problems with glare when you travel (in your One Dress)?
Is it hard for you to see details in the bright sunlight? My new favorite retailer has the perfect solution:

Picture 4

No, no, they aren't especially attractive, but they do fit OVER your regular eyeglasses!
And, apparently, they provide EXTRA protection from the sunlight that slips in from the SIDES of your frames. I can't decide if I want the black ones or the tortoise.

I was curious about the aforementioned collectibles...I was wondering if they would be statues or figurines or tiny spoons, but Stauer sells coins.

Picture 3

I have never even HEARD of anyone collecting coins like these. Heck, I haven't really ever heard of anyone collecting coins of any kind. But now, at least, I know where I could send someone. I'm just not sure if they are real, and soon, you'll see why.

After leafing through the whole shebang, I realized that this stuff is not the main attraction of the Stauer Catalogue. Jewelry is really the star of the show. Mostly simulated jewels, from what I gather. Huge rubies, pastel-colored pearls, giant emeralds - all created by scientists with such precision that even gem dealers cannot tell the stones were not mined. Or so I read. The pages brim with watches and necklaces and earrings. Special offers of sets of matching items abound.
My all-time favorite item? The Stauer Apology Stone Ring.
The copy appalls me so that I am forced to lift it in-situ.

Picture 6

This stone was specifically designed to bring out her mercy and compassion. By scientists. IN A LAB. And they KNOW about "husband nature."

Picture 7

Words are cheap, people! She'll be left speechless! I'm speechless right now.

Picture 5

You know what's kind of sad, though?
I'm not really into pink...and the ring is only $199. One would think a ring with such power over irritated women would be more expensive, wouldn't one?
Not to worry - it looks like there's a matching necklace too...just in case you've REALLY screwed up.


Anonymous said…
The day I start sliding my sunglasses over my regular glasses will be the same day that I wear the one dress (assuming you only need one and just wear it every day?? when doyou wash it!?!)
Anonymous said…
Can I say something without pissing all of you Stars and Striped people?
This is SO American.
Feel free to kill me anytime you want.
Poppy B. said…
Pfft! Everyone knows an apology doesn't count unless it comes in a blue box from Tiffany.

Also, those pink stones are the tackiest things I've ever seen. Yes, even tackier than the sunglasses, which at least have some use value.
Paula said…
Those are Old Man sunglasses.

And the reason old men's ears get so long...
Lover Lady said…
Those "traveler" catalogs always crack me up. It's like Indiana Jones meets the whitest suburbanite.

If my husband bought me any piece of jewelry with pink stones, sleeping on the couch is the last thing he would be worried about, and he knows it. That color doesn't even occur in nature. Remember when they called that mess "pink ice"?? I just call it tacky (A-to-the-men, Poppy).
Anonymous said…
How is it that a catalog company selling this stuff can stay in business? I don't know anyone in real life with this taste (or lack of). Of course, I also don't know any porn addicts, but statistically speaking I'm surrounded by them...
My Dad had a huge coin collection.
I inherited 1/4 of it. It's still in my Mom's house because I have no idea what it's worth and don't want to get ripped of by a dealer.

He spent many hours researching each coin and putting them into holders and notebooks.

I can still see him bent over his desk under a bright light, looking at all the details.
Anonymous said…
Vomit. I am so glad I don't get that catalog. Good comedic material in there, though.


And hey, welcome back to Tuvalu!
The Coffee Lady said…
is there a limit on how many times the ring can be bought? Is there a bulk discount for really crap husbands, and toe rings available for when he has filled all ten of her available fingers and thumbs?
Jen said…
Hah! The pink stone looks like the one Kobe Bryant gave his wife after his..faux pas.
Duyvken said…
hahahaha, the apology stone ring and earrings. If that catches on no-one who has them will ever want to wear them out of the house because everyone will start wondering what hubby did that required a $199 apology. And who wants to have a permanent reminder of the infraction on them ALL THE DAMN TIME?
And the one dress? U G L Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly.
Nuff said.
Glad the catalogues were waiting for you, BB, they're blogging gold.