increments
My appetite is back - a little.
I haven't eaten in weeks. I'm down to a size two and, now that the thrill of being thin has worn off, I'm not especially happy about it. Hard chairs are no longer as comfortable as they once were, I put on a skirt from last spring and it fell to my ankles, and I find it hard to believe I will remain this size and don't want to buy clothes.
But, just this week, I felt a little hungry and made myself go get something to eat. I know it's strange - I know most people eat when they are stressed, but I do the opposite. It's not good. I feel a little shaky sometimes in the afternoon and then realize that I need food.
So, anyway...I'm starting to deal with it.
I find myself nervous about wandering too far from my office. While it's true that everything I could possibly require is available to me within two blocks, for some reason I am afraid to stray too far afield. Silly, I know, but that's how it is.
Last week I ventured a few blocks away and then took what seemed like an interminable subway ride for a haircut. I ended up being gone for nearly two hours and worked hard not to feel anxiety about being so far from my desk. I'm not sure what my problem is.
There is no point in leaving work early. I mean: leaving at three would be one thing, but leaving at 4:45 puts me at the station for a train that is horribly overcrowded and loud, while leaving at 5:00 gets me there in time for a train on which I can choose my seat and relax.
Workers are removing the mortar from the bricks outside my window with drills. When they started, almost two weeks ago, I told my boss that nothing I've had to deal with in the past month would affect me like the noise of that drilling. It's like sitting near a dentist.
I'm getting better at tuning it out.
I am, slowly, getting over my anxiety regarding international conference calls. Slowly.
I've pretty much mastered the Excel spreadsheet, the printer, the fax machine (don't laugh!) and the forms required for partial reimbursement for my rail ticket. I was feeling very grown-up about the rail ticket business until I went to get the forms from a hallway near HR and realized that they are on a shelf I cannot reach - because I'm so short.
I told you...increments.
I haven't eaten in weeks. I'm down to a size two and, now that the thrill of being thin has worn off, I'm not especially happy about it. Hard chairs are no longer as comfortable as they once were, I put on a skirt from last spring and it fell to my ankles, and I find it hard to believe I will remain this size and don't want to buy clothes.
But, just this week, I felt a little hungry and made myself go get something to eat. I know it's strange - I know most people eat when they are stressed, but I do the opposite. It's not good. I feel a little shaky sometimes in the afternoon and then realize that I need food.
So, anyway...I'm starting to deal with it.
I find myself nervous about wandering too far from my office. While it's true that everything I could possibly require is available to me within two blocks, for some reason I am afraid to stray too far afield. Silly, I know, but that's how it is.
Last week I ventured a few blocks away and then took what seemed like an interminable subway ride for a haircut. I ended up being gone for nearly two hours and worked hard not to feel anxiety about being so far from my desk. I'm not sure what my problem is.
There is no point in leaving work early. I mean: leaving at three would be one thing, but leaving at 4:45 puts me at the station for a train that is horribly overcrowded and loud, while leaving at 5:00 gets me there in time for a train on which I can choose my seat and relax.
Workers are removing the mortar from the bricks outside my window with drills. When they started, almost two weeks ago, I told my boss that nothing I've had to deal with in the past month would affect me like the noise of that drilling. It's like sitting near a dentist.
I'm getting better at tuning it out.
I am, slowly, getting over my anxiety regarding international conference calls. Slowly.
I've pretty much mastered the Excel spreadsheet, the printer, the fax machine (don't laugh!) and the forms required for partial reimbursement for my rail ticket. I was feeling very grown-up about the rail ticket business until I went to get the forms from a hallway near HR and realized that they are on a shelf I cannot reach - because I'm so short.
I told you...increments.
Comments
After 13.5 years in corporate America, and over 2 years in my current role, though, I still don't like being away from my desk for too long!
Seriously, I hope that you continue to find little bits of calm during the day and your life becomes more even keeled.
I love the feeling when you know that you have overcome a personal challenge and arise victorious. Especially the electronic battles.
And whatever it is that you are going through, your heart and mind have to be healed. You will come through on the other side, a stronger person. I know I hate the way that sounds too...but we all know it's true!!
Now if I was only like you and would lose my appetite...I can always eat happy or sad!!
Keep writing...I always love your entries!!
Paola
Bless you.
No, I know. But seriously, bb, YOU JUST STARTED! Going back to work full time, in The City, no less, is a huge transition, and it's going to take time to figure it all out. You are doing great...better than most anyone would be. And anyway, at least you've got your priorities straight: your blog is alive and well, and that's really the most important thing, right.
jbhat
Now, if it helps, I've tagged you for a meme.
Please.
small snacks. a few crackers at your desk. with cheese if you can manage it (trust me, you need the fat).
eat whatever tempts you, even if it's something that isn't on your mental 'healthy' list. if that's a boston cream donut, eat it. you're talking about getting something past your lips, not forming a new habit.
once you have a few things that actually appeal, it's easier to start with the three squares again.
and just ignore all this if i'm sounding too preachy. sometimes i need someone preachy to get me to eat something.
continuing with staunch supportive thoughts and Episco prayers.
x
-- Jennifer
Excellent.
You could keep a snack bag in one of your desk drawers...small things you could nibble on during the day if you haven't had a meal. My husband sometimes works 12 hours a day and always has nuts, granola bars and crackers.
I know what you mean about not wanting to be too far away from the desk. It's like a little home away from home for a person who is essentially a homebody.
If I lived near, I would make you a bento box lunch, and deliver it to your very door. I know that shaky feeling all too well. Take care of yourself, bb.
ErinH