increments

My appetite is back - a little.
I haven't eaten in weeks. I'm down to a size two and, now that the thrill of being thin has worn off, I'm not especially happy about it. Hard chairs are no longer as comfortable as they once were, I put on a skirt from last spring and it fell to my ankles, and I find it hard to believe I will remain this size and don't want to buy clothes.
But, just this week, I felt a little hungry and made myself go get something to eat. I know it's strange - I know most people eat when they are stressed, but I do the opposite. It's not good. I feel a little shaky sometimes in the afternoon and then realize that I need food.
So, anyway...I'm starting to deal with it.

I find myself nervous about wandering too far from my office. While it's true that everything I could possibly require is available to me within two blocks, for some reason I am afraid to stray too far afield. Silly, I know, but that's how it is.
Last week I ventured a few blocks away and then took what seemed like an interminable subway ride for a haircut. I ended up being gone for nearly two hours and worked hard not to feel anxiety about being so far from my desk. I'm not sure what my problem is.

There is no point in leaving work early. I mean: leaving at three would be one thing, but leaving at 4:45 puts me at the station for a train that is horribly overcrowded and loud, while leaving at 5:00 gets me there in time for a train on which I can choose my seat and relax.

Workers are removing the mortar from the bricks outside my window with drills. When they started, almost two weeks ago, I told my boss that nothing I've had to deal with in the past month would affect me like the noise of that drilling. It's like sitting near a dentist.
I'm getting better at tuning it out.

I am, slowly, getting over my anxiety regarding international conference calls. Slowly.

I've pretty much mastered the Excel spreadsheet, the printer, the fax machine (don't laugh!) and the forms required for partial reimbursement for my rail ticket. I was feeling very grown-up about the rail ticket business until I went to get the forms from a hallway near HR and realized that they are on a shelf I cannot reach - because I'm so short.
I told you...increments.

Comments

tut-tut said…
Goodness! You really must find a calming cafe or something and go every day during the week, if you can. A routine will help you with this. I know . . . I hear Teany is nice, but it may be too far away from your office . . .
telfair said…
Everything requires adjustment. I can navigate my corporate world with one hand tied behind my back, but being home with my baby has kicked my butt over the last 3 months, so it's all what you're used to.

After 13.5 years in corporate America, and over 2 years in my current role, though, I still don't like being away from my desk for too long!
Ali said…
... and very high heels.
RW said…
But, what about the cheese drawer? Who is eating your cheese?

Seriously, I hope that you continue to find little bits of calm during the day and your life becomes more even keeled.

I love the feeling when you know that you have overcome a personal challenge and arise victorious. Especially the electronic battles.
Jojanna said…
Being skinny makes the cold hit you harder also. I know why people describe plump as healthy. When I am thin I look like a 12 yr old boy when I take my clothes off. I'm not sure why a woman would do that to herself on purpose.
Mulberry Girls said…
You are your favorite TV indulgence...a SURVIVOR!!

And whatever it is that you are going through, your heart and mind have to be healed. You will come through on the other side, a stronger person. I know I hate the way that sounds too...but we all know it's true!!

Now if I was only like you and would lose my appetite...I can always eat happy or sad!!

Keep writing...I always love your entries!!
smalltownmom said…
Don't forget to eat. You need nutrients.
Anonymous said…
Size 2. I'm worried.
Paola
barbra said…
I forget to eat, too. Especially when I'm stressed. Having children to feed is the only way I've been remembering to eat. Before kids, I would get irritable and weak in the late afternoon, and my husband would say, "did you eat anything today?" "OH! No, I didn't! That's probably what it is."

Bless you.
haus said…
Being so stressed really isn't fun. I hope things settle down soon. Until then, try one of these... http://www.hws.edu/studentlife/counseling_relax.aspx
Anonymous said…
Size 2. Huh. Stop bragging. (sorry, Paola ;)

No, I know. But seriously, bb, YOU JUST STARTED! Going back to work full time, in The City, no less, is a huge transition, and it's going to take time to figure it all out. You are doing great...better than most anyone would be. And anyway, at least you've got your priorities straight: your blog is alive and well, and that's really the most important thing, right.

jbhat
Emily said…
i hope you'll try to eat, even if you're not hungry! we don't want you passing out at the office. :)
eurolush said…
Come to Germany and I'll have you in a size 22 in no time.
Mrs. G. said…
Could you order in? Size 2 is pretty tiny. Watch your health, kiddo.
That is progress. Eat a little, learn a little, walk a little, explore a little. I find small doses are healthier in the long run anwyay.
Jen said…
You poor thing. That's got to be the third most unpleasant way to lose weight--right after giardia and intestinal flu.
Ree said…
Skirts around your ankles aren't good. Now, watch out because if you reach up for a lower shelf, your pants may fall down next.

Now, if it helps, I've tagged you for a meme.
Just you take care of yourself you.....

Please.
Julia said…
Sounds like things are falling into place bit by bit! I spend my life on international conference calls (small country you know;-), just speak clearly and slowly and you will be loved.
Miz S said…
I used to be like you. Not able to eat when I was stressed out. I seem to have gotten over that little problem.
islaygirl said…
i have 25 years of eating problems to back me up when i say, increments is right, baby.

small snacks. a few crackers at your desk. with cheese if you can manage it (trust me, you need the fat).

eat whatever tempts you, even if it's something that isn't on your mental 'healthy' list. if that's a boston cream donut, eat it. you're talking about getting something past your lips, not forming a new habit.

once you have a few things that actually appeal, it's easier to start with the three squares again.

and just ignore all this if i'm sounding too preachy. sometimes i need someone preachy to get me to eat something.

continuing with staunch supportive thoughts and Episco prayers.
x
Duyvken said…
Try to remember that in a few months time anxiety over international conference calls will seem very far away! I promise.
Jeno11@yahoo.com said…
I am so sorry for your stress. My 4 year old daughter Mila and I said a prayer for you and your family. Things WILL get better.

-- Jennifer
laura said…
I am nervous about this not eating thing. Maybe when you're sorting out the boys lunches in the morning, you can make yourself one as well? It can be anything, crackers, cheese, an apple, soup in a thermos. I know you are busy taking care of work and and your family but please don't forget yourself in that equation! said with much love and concern xxoo
So you are basically the size of one of my legs.

Excellent.
I found the weight you lost. It's attached to my backside, from all the stress eating I did this summer/fall.

You could keep a snack bag in one of your desk drawers...small things you could nibble on during the day if you haven't had a meal. My husband sometimes works 12 hours a day and always has nuts, granola bars and crackers.
Amy A. said…
I can't wait to master the excel spreadsheet. I need to learn how to combine multiple reports on a cover page.

I know what you mean about not wanting to be too far away from the desk. It's like a little home away from home for a person who is essentially a homebody.
Anonymous said…
My office is perched on a wee slice of land, water on one side, train tracks on the other. The building shakes when the train goes by, and if a boat comes screaming up the river, you feel very much like the building is about to slip into the drink. I sympathize with the noise thing.

If I lived near, I would make you a bento box lunch, and deliver it to your very door. I know that shaky feeling all too well. Take care of yourself, bb.

ErinH
Sue said…
I'm rooting for you.
alice c said…
I find that it helps to eat exactly the same thing at the same time every day. Then your body will remind you to eat. When you start noticing how boring it is to eat the same thing every day you probably don't need the routine anymore.