our Hairshirt horoscopes

mine:
Cancer: The hostess of the party you ruined this week was absolutely right. Pumpkin pie is horribly out of season and you shouldn't have brought it and she was completely justified in slapping you in the face.


K's:
Scorpio: Big changes are afoot, Scorpio. But to really take advantage of them, you're going to need to figure out what the hell "afoot" means. You're so pretty.

Oldest's:
Leo: A nice relaxing foot massage would be wonderful right about now, wouldn't it, Leo? Well, maybe someone better cut their fucking toenails so that the poor masseur/masseuse doesn't get his/her poor goddamn hands sliced to ribbons.

Middle's:
Sagittarius: It's not okay for you to drink mustard straight from the jar.

Youngests:
Taurus: Romance is in the air, Taurus! But you can get rid of it with a little Febreeze.

Go! Read yours.