rules for Spring

Gosh. Who would have thought that yesterday's post would have worried so many of you?
I guess I should have prefaced it all by saying that the blogs of which I spoke belong to NONE OF MY REGULAR READERS. Now everyone is scrambling to look at their headers and make sure they don't whine about their lives too much.
People: don't take me so seriously. Really.

So, the last topic I mentioned sitting in draft was about spring and fashion. I'm pretty sure I've written about this before, but as the temperatures rise my list of rules comes to mind again.
These rules, in my head, do not necessarily apply to you unless you are in very flagrant disregard of them. If you have extenuating circumstances such as incredibly long gorgeous legs or you live in California, I may let some of them slide. For example: women who live in California can wear white jeans and a fur coat in February. California is beyond the realm of sensible rules. And, at the same time that I covet these guidelines, I often feel women should do whatever feels comfortable with clothing and fling rules, of any kind, out the proverbial window. Except for yoga or sweatpants. There is no reason any woman should be walking around in either - unless they are going to yoga or sweat class.
Anyway.

  • Pleated skirts are, generally speaking, ridiculous on anyone over 26.
  • Pantyhose and sandals are never okay, even with a nude toe, but socks and sandals in the right setting can be cute.
  • If you are wearing sandals, get a pedicure. It's $7 and if you put extra topcoat on your nails it will last for weeks.
  • I don't mind leggings. WITH A SKIRT OR TUNIC. I'd better not see your butt.
  • 16 year olds are the only women permitted to wear tops which expose their mid-section.
  • If you aren't living in a commune, shave your legs.
  • Sleeveless tops are not appropriate in some offices. I don't want to see your armpits.
  • Forever 21 is called that for a reason. If you are over 40 you might want to steer clear.
  • Ditto Urban Outfitters.
  • (leftover from winter) North Face jackets are for rap stars, teenagers and mountain climbers.
  • Try not to over-accessorize. A scarf is nice. A scarf and a bracelet are nice. A scarf a bracelet and big earrings are too much.
  • Trends like bright yellow, animal prints and that green are best left to small doses in the case of grown up ladies.
  • IMO no one should be wearing any kinds of pants with words on the ass.
  • Hooded sweatshirts are not the same as cardigans.
  • There is a time and place for cleavage.
  • I'm not talking about butt cleavage.
  • I think sneakers/trainers/jogging shoes are for sneaking, training and jogging and not for casual wear.
Opinionated, aren't I?
Past rules (and perhaps some redundant rules) can be found here.

Don't get all panicky (like yesterday). Chances are I have never seen any of you in real life and I probably won't. Also, I tend to be more judgemental here, or in my head, than if we were out to dinner someplace - in which case I would never say a word about your outfit.

Maybe I can continue this critical role tomorrow when I plan on smacking those of you with locked profiles and no email addresses. How am I supposed to reply to your comments if your profile is locked and you have no email address registered with blogger?

Shutting up now.

Comments

Can you please smack those people for me as well - preferably with a damp tray.

I like your rules very much. I tried on a pleated skirt in my recent shopping frenzy and felt jettisoned back to 1988 when a black watch tartan box pleat skirt was my school uniform. Hideous.
MizMell said…
No words on my ass, for sure! Or sweat pants or running shoes. Or North Face jackets.
I'm in the clear!

But.. sometimes cleavage can't be helped.
Jennifer said…
I couldn't agree with you more!

We really have to do something about all the damn companies still selling and MAKING the jeans that no matter what style, size, shape you are or get you end up with the butt cleavage!
Laura Jane said…
Very Sensible Rules.

I couldn't agree more.

I am trying to learn that less is more - the old "take off one thing" rule.

And I cannot be doing with animal prints in fashion OR decorating. Both are absolute 'keep to minimums' for me (apart from the fact that I look disgusting in brown anyway) and case anyone thinks differently I have two words of dire warning for you.

Donatella Versace.

'Nuff said.
robiewankenobie said…
no belly shirts? or butt cleavage? i have to throw out my entire wardrobe! how could i NOT panic when i have shown such flagrant disregard for your rules!

heh. just shitting you. i still think leggings might just be the devil, and that padma can still get away with belly shirts. that woman is unreal.
Assertagirl said…
Yeah, what is with the words on the ass? All it does is draw attention to the fact that ENTIRE WORDS fit across it.
Poppy Buxom said…
Agreed with you about the rules, but honestly. Replying to comments?

I'm supposed to reply to comments?

You reply to every single comment?

No wonder you don't have time to join Facebook.
alice c said…
I had better tell MissM to enjoy her cropped T shirts because she only has until the end of the year before they are BANNED.

Please go some on those guilty no-reply people because I have 110 no-reply emails sitting in my inbox and I don't know what to do with them - it feels wrong to delete with replying.
MsCellania said…
Must agree with the words on the ass thing. This vice flourishes in Las Vegas, where - lo and behold! - lots of the ass there is For Sale. I always think 'hooker' when I see it on grown-ups.
StLmom said…
What about shorts and miniskirts? I think those need an age cutoff, too.

And capri pants really don't look good on everyone.

I have opinions, too.
gabe said…
Please tell me how to tell my Youngest (16) he is NOT supposed to be looking at the girl leaning over in the store with her ENTIRE back butt hanging out, crack,thong and all.

I knew I was middle aged when I became appalled at women who allow their daughters to dress as strippers. Do we all blame Britney for this trend starting back when?
celestial opus said…
you've lost me forever with 'socks and sandals'. Bleach. Goodbye my fashion guru. Sigh...
Badger said…
"California AND TEXAS", I think is what you meant to say.

Other than that, NO COMMENT.
Tuli said…
$7 for a Pedicure!?! The hell?

I can't get a pedi ANYWHERE 'round here for $7...or I'd be there once a week! What am I missing? What's the key to finding a $7 pedi?
paola said…
Don't you love those jeans with the "RICH" stitched all across the butt???
I will tell you I ONLY saw it on very big butts and NEVER on a cute girl who could have really worn it.
And I see a lot of capri pants with socks and (fake) birkenstock around here...not pretty at all.
tut-tut said…
I've never had a pedicure. I've heard just frightening things involving . . . bacteria and, well, I don't want to think about it. But I'm with you on all your other notions.
Fannie Mae said…
A very succinct list. Can we add that ladies should check for bra straps? That should not show. Ever.
Nora :) said…
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
RW said…
Guess what I saw on Saturday.
Stirrup pants and red pumps. I had to literally stop my car to discuss the wrongness of that act with my 13 year old daughter.
eurolush said…
Jesus.

Your minions will be hyperventilating if you keep this up.
Jann said…
Pleeeaaase! WHERE is Tuvalu??? There isn't a pedicure to be had around here for under $30!!!
Ditto, ditto, ditto to your fashion rules. Might I add: Lingerie should not be worn as outer clothing. Please leave a little to the imagination ladies.

No $7 pedicure in my hometown or I'd be getting more than once every few months.
blackbird said…
Tuvalu is practically littered with cheap mani/pedi salons.

I agree with the showing of bra straps and the not wearing of lingerie as day-wear.
Lauri said…
I want a $7 pedicure - Heck, I'd be willing to pay $7 per foot! Completely agree with the "rules", some folks need to remember that even spandex has its limits - even on the way to yoga, just can you can wear it, doesn't mean you should wear it...excuse me while I go throw everything out of my closet..
kel said…
I love pedicures and wish $7 was the cost here in Denver. While a pedicure isn't for everyone, scrubbing the dead, dry skin off and using lotion goes a long way in making feet look better!

And, if the bra strap shows please, please wear a clean bra.
Just Plain Jane said…
Not only do we all enjoy reading your blog entries, but we listen to what you have to say and we take you seriously! That's why we panic. A $30 pedicure causes me to beg my husband to cut my toenails (there comes an age and a size where that's the solution, up until when I want polish).
Melissa said…
Amen, sister. NO reason on earth (other than living in California) why a person should dress like someone half their age. You wouldn't carry a Hello Kitty backpack, right? Then stay out of Forever 21 and the rest of the teen queen stores!
Anonymous said…
North face jackets are for rap stars and teenagers. Most mountaineers I know wouldn't be caught dead. well I guess they would be caught dead, because they would BE DEAD!

I am wearing socks and sandals. right now. I guess I am hoping I am cute.

b
Jo said…
i wholeheartedly concur.

Although I'd like to add that I love the pedi in the summer, cool colours, fun, but and it is a big BUT, polish will NOT stay on toes in crocs for the days when not kicking around in cute sandals. Crocs rub the polish right off!

So sorry in advance if you ever see my poor naked toenails. Ewwww. that actually sounds nastier than I meant.
Amber said…
where do you go for $7 pedicures. I've never had one that cheap!
Anne said…
Hmmm... I have to say I agree. I've never thought to sit down and catalogue fashion rules, but y'know I could probably add a few of my own. Have you ever gone out to the SARTORIALIST? i think you can find him if you google. Love that blog.
telfair said…
I checked your comments to see if anyone else was gobsmacked over a $7 pedicure...it appears that several people were as astonished as I, so I will shut up now.
catsteevens said…
Unlike telfair I won't shut up now.....

A $7 pedicure !!!!! Good lord, I would be willing to FLY to Tuvalu for that ;)

Pedi's around SoFla average around 40 bucks....and those are the cheapy walk-in places.
mckie2 said…
I don't have my e-mail exposed because every time I do and make a comment somewhere I get a ton more spam on gmail. These days that is all my gmail account is for - spam collector.

Besides, when I wanted to tell you something I just sent an email. And you wrote right back. I was excited. Doesn't take much.
islaygirl said…
my sister lives in a place near tuvalu and gets mani/pedi AND waxing for under $50. insane. here a cheap pedi is $25, and i'm in the land of Perpetual Pedi (phoenix).
Dani said…
Wow... this is going to be a long comment. I can feel it. ;)

~There's a reason why pleated skirts are used as private school uniforms. They aren't attractive on anyone much older than that crowd.

~Didn't I start enough of an argument on Tertia's blog when I commented that if people were going to show me their toes, they should at least be well manicured? Either way, I TOTALLY AGREE. That being said, it doesn't need to be a professional manicure but at least trim, file, and CLEAN them before showing them. (I get $10 pedicures in NY where everything costs more. The rest of your readers must be driving right past those little cheap mani/pedi places, right?)

~I haven't seen a butt that looked good in leggings. Ever.

~Re: Exposed mid-sections: A muffin-top doesn't look good on anyone of any age. If it hangs over, cover it.

~Armpits and toes don't belong in any place of business in which I'm paying for services of any kind. In some cases, it has caused me to take my business elsewhere.

~I think the sneaker thing is all I disagree with you on. With the right cut of jeans and a casual top, sneakers work, IMO.

I think I'm one of the people you may want to smack with the locked profile. (blush) I spent an incredible amount of time earlier figuring out how to unlock mine. Then I realized I've been using the URL to my Relay for Life page anyway. (duh.) At least now it's unlocked for when after Relay is over.

How far is Tuvalu from Long Island? You and I need to sit on a park bench and play Fashion Police together. (Quietly. So as to not offend anyone, of course.)
Fleagirl said…
Where to start?
1) I live in California. Of course, it's Napa Valley California, up where the grapes grow sweet. Right now I'm wrapped in a blanket and wishing I could turn on the heat as it's 63 degrees in the house, but I swore that I wouldn't spend money on heat after the first day of Spring. Damn spring.

2) You can get $7 pedis on Haight Street in SF. Just watch out because you might get one of those nasty infections that the local news crews have been gleefully reporting.

3)There's a difference between cute, clean tennies and a fat, dirty white marshmallow sneaker. I have an employee that wears these oversized grayish pillows every Friday because I told her she could wear jeans. I never told her she could wear horrible athletic shoes.

4) What about shirts with words across the front? I had another employee who thought it was okay to show up to a professional office wearing a pink cropped top with sparkly words that proclaimed her to be a "Lil Ho!"

Lil Ho was sent home to change.

5) Flip flops are for the beach. Or the locker room to get to the shower. That's it. Not the office. Never, ever the office.

6) Dani--it is impossible to offend Long Islanders. As a former girl who believed "the higher the hair, the closer to God" and that pleather purses were a good idea, I guarantee you--if they're born and bred on the Island, they won't take offense. They'll just spit on you and tell you to go to...well, you know.
Sue said…
"Also, I tend to be more judgemental here, or in my head, than if we were out to dinner someplace - in which case I would never say a word about your outfit."

Yes, but you would be thinking it in your head. And we would KNOW you were thinking it. And we would be very, very afraid.
Sue said…
Um, I'm not sure why I'm referring to myself in the plural in my comment...
eliane said…
I am an offender. I don't shave a thing. Then again, I am not very hairy. We had a model a few weeks ago who was. Pubic hair halfway up her back, almost as much on her legs as my dog, and a mustache. She was stunningly beautiful. I don't know if I would have that much courage if I had so much hair.
kmkat said…
Hear, hear on pretty much all your rules. Still thinking about the sneakers thing. (But I live in a rural area, where elected officials may wear bib overalls to an official meeting and not be thought less of.)

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