You didn't think I was going to skip the recap, did you?

It's true. Brother B ran into Mr. Fairplay a few months back, at the store where B works, and it became clear that Jonny required some clothing for a top secret trip to the South Pacific.
B said he was a nice enough guy and wondered about his real life personality and his television persona. After last night I wish B could have kicked his ass. Right there in the store.

Here's your recap anyway.

Micronesia!
A stunning collection of wildlife!
Jeff tells us that the Fans don't know that they will be playing against former players, The Favorites.
I, for one, do not believe this as any fan standing there on the beach must have realized that there were only ten of them and ten DOES NOT TWO TEAMS MAKE.
Actually, I guess they thought the mystery team could have been anyone - but I still think he lied.
I didn't recognize too many of the Favorites right off the bat. And I'm not sure what makes most of them Favorites AT ALL.
I do like Cirie. I love the clip of her saying: it's okay if we eat this, right?
And I was happy to see James, though it's going to take me a few more episodes to understand his slurry, accented speech. No matter, I'll just look at his prettiness while I figure it out.

So, with sweeping music and lots of shots of windswept hair, it all begins.
It feels like we've never left China as we take our places...BUT WAIT. Lost is premiering too and the boys are all into Lost right now...so, they get custody of the couch and Mom and I head upstairs.
BUT WAIT AGAIN! Lost is doing an hour of recap!
BACK TO THE COUCH FOR THE SURVIVOR TEAM.
(Note to me: future show idea - the cast of Lost vs. Survivors.)

It is pouring rain in Micronesia. POURING. P-O-U-R-I-N-G. Everyone is soaked. It's raining sideways and Jeff must introduce the Favorites team. I can barely hear over the sound of the rain.
Someone is a residential builder. WTF?
Cirie, who lost weight to return to the show, looks exactly the same.
Ozzy has less hair and more body fat.
Jonathan has, apparently, bought and new hat and taken a How To Be A Jackass refresher course.
Eliza looks just like a skull.
James appears even more buff.
Pavarti has 'filled out.'
Yau is adorable.
Jonny Fairplay wears a hat that says Will Lie For Food.
Charming.
It's still raining really really hard and I can't hear a lot. I think the teams are called I-Rod and Moth Ball.
For now it's easier to stick with Fans and Favorites.

The Survivors must swim across a gorgeous lagoon to a beach with canoes and immunity idols.
It's still raining too hard for me to understand Jeff's instructions, but it doesn't matter. Off they race.
On the beach, Yau tackles Jonny (score one for the decent people!) and grabs an idol.
A woman named Kathy, who has a curly mullet, grabs another one.
Jonny complains bitterly about the tackle.
He complains to the camera, he complains in the boat, he complains later to Jeff.

The Fan team has lots and lots of breasts showing. Many bikini tops.
Crazy Kathy's first words are with Chet, whom she confronts about being "a homosexual."
Group cringe.
SHE'S NEVER BEEN AROUND A REAL LIFE HOMOSEXUAL. Oh! And are those implants! She's never SEEN implants in real life! And so we have now been introduced to THE MAYOR OF CRAZY TOWN. She warns us that she just can't keep her mouth shut. We look forward.

At the Favorite camp, I begin to wonder if Ozzy was always a photographer. Jonathan is busy bossing people around, and Jonny looks pasty. He tells everyone about his seven month pregnant girlfriend and makes dead grandmother jokes and further endears us. NOT.
James, meanwhile, is showing the team what he's made of. Which is, apparently, melted down anvils. He's breaking trees in half with his bare hands. Pavarti spots his bulging muscles instantly and makes her move. Ozzy talks about his "season," just so we remember what happened when - and Amanda has her eyes on him.
All this to say that it's only their first night, and it's spent under a decent shelter, cuddling.

The Fans are working on shelter too. They have Jon Bon Jovi on their team. They are all into the hair thing, actually, and they are cold and tired. The storm has them huddling.
The Mayor Of Crazy Town cries her little eyes out.

In the morning, the Favorites are busy forming alliances. It seems early in the game for this sort of thing - I mean, there haven't even been any challenges yet and they are already talking about whom to vote off. Some are wary of Eliza, and she looks pretty scary to me, others want Pavarti to go because she's a schemer.
Yau works on making a fire with his eyeglasses and a drop of water and it works!

The Fans are hungry. One would think, after 16 seasons, that people arriving on these shows would work these things out. But they haven't.

Finally, it's time for a challenge, and, if the cameraman could draw his lens away FROM THE BOOBS for just a second, we could see what it entails.
The teams convene.
I think I spot a high-sock girl.
Eliza makes a little speech about HOW READY they are.
Jonny says they have enough food for an army!
Some guy named Joel, who is one huge bicep, is all BRING IT ON.

The teams must assemble puzzle wheels for a cart which must then be pushed through an obstacle. Bridge slats must be found in a pit of sand and a bridge must be built for the cart to be taken across, and then it's over the river and through the woods to another puzzle which turns a wheel which raises a flaming wok and we all have chicken stir fry!
The Fans start off well.
The Favorites stumble.
The Fans are "in control."
The Favorites crash their cart and Eliza is hurt.
The Fans are working very well together, the flaming wok is raised, the Fans win!

The Favorites return to camp dejected. They discuss the enthusiasm of the other team.
Jonny is so sad. He misses his baby. He wants to go HOME. What?
He tells Ami he wants to leave and we start to grind our teeth.

At Tribal Council Jeff gives the players the rules in a stunning example of over-dubbing. Perhaps he was off site having his cargo pants pressed.
Jonny offers that his team may have been over-confident.
Eliza yaps. I can't hear her words for the yapping.
Jonny is only thinking about his BABY. His BABY BABY BABY.
Jeff demands to know: IS THIS A QUIT? (We now have a catchphrase for 08 - IS THIS A QUIT?)
No, Jonny says with a shit-eating grin, It's not a quit.

K feels that Fairplay cut a deal with the producers. Said he'd sign for one episode, for a hefty fee and then get himself voted off. I haven't decided if he's that smart, or that stupid.
But it doesn't matter because that's exactly what happened.

I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth. I've been rooked. A waste of my time.

Perhaps next week will re-invigorate me.

Comments

Stephanie said…
We don't usually watch Survivor but did last night, I liked it. haha, re: having his cargo pants pressed. :)

excellent recap.
chicken said…
Indeed an excellent recap!
My favorite part was when Eliza flipped out of the cart and hit her eye?! WTF? Then she HELD her eye for the rest of the challenge.

I didn't like Jonny F...so...buh bye! I do loves me some James...can I get a scoop of that on some toast, please?!
Badger said…
There are no Caucasian dreadlocks this season. I hardly know how to behave.
TX Poppet said…
How cute is the new kid Erik? I just want to invite him over for milk and cookies. Looks like they still don't have anybody who can swim. Tivo rules and I'm hooked.
K's probably right. I wouldn't put it past Johnny to make some kind of deal just to get us all sucked into watching his conniving and scheming for another season. So does this make you wonder if the Favorites were in on the deal and threw the challenge?

Now the only thing interesting about this season is watching to see if the Fans can keep burying the Favorites in the challenges.

Oh yeah, and your recaps, of course.:)
barbra said…
I think if they did a deal with JF to create buzz, they would have had him stay for about three episodes. One episode and then no more of him to love-to-hate? That doesn't seem like it benefits them much - just makes viewers irritated as everyone seems to be.
be*mused jan said…
Amen.
I was happy to see him go (SUPREMELY ANNOYING), but at the end, I felt the whole episode was a waste of time.
Suzanne said…
Hooray for blackbird's Survivor recaps!!

Far more entertaining than actually watching the show.
Amber said…
I was so glad that the Fans won. Kathy is sooo funny, annoying but funny.

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