thoughts on evening wear

I had lots of time to inspect and criticize evening wear last night.
Fortunately, I made notes.
Fortunately for YOU, I've typed them up here, because I KNOW you want to know what I thought.

If I've missed someone and you want me to criticize THEM, drop me a line.

K's secret girlfriend, Heidi, was the first person I saw.

Heidi

I liked her dress. It was beautifully cut and the color looked very pretty on her. Little did I know that 250 other actresses would be wearing RED, so I HAD thought she was very progressive...Heidi's hair freaked me out a little and I can't find a photo of it. It looked like someone pinned a loaf of bread to her head.

Marion

Here's Marion, who went on to win Best Actress, which I didn't care much about until I saw what they did to transform her into Edith Piaf. Her speech was so heartfelt and, I don't know, French? Thank you life, thank you love, and it is true, there is some angels in this city. she said with a big lump in her throat. Trust me, it was moving.
At first I was a little appalled at her fishy looking dress...really, scale-y, but now I'm thinking it was a work of art.

Jennifer

Jennifer had a lot going on. Pleats and tucks and ruffles and a smooshed bosom. I'm not sure I like it. And her HAIR? Was par for the evening. It was messy ponytails wherever one looked.

Cameron

Here's the worst offender. Cameron is seen wearing the sheet she woke up in. She couldn't read, couldn't speak, and left me speechless.

And, speaking of sheets,

George

George's girlfriend wore the bedspread from the house on the Cape.

I was anxious to see Nicole as she is K's FORMER girlfriend. He doesn't like what she's done with her face, so he's not in love with her anymore.

Nicole1

Here she is sucking in her bump.

Nicole2

Do I like the dress?
I have no idea - I'm distracted by the necklace and the bizarre ballet arms.

Penelope

I could run away with Penelope but I wouldn't let her bring this Olde Tyme Saloon dress, even though she's the only person who can wear a bustle in the front. There is an off-putting application of feathers here.
And she's not the only one -

Jessica

You know how they say women should wear something up near their face to distract from a pregnant mid-section? I don't think they mean a squished Muppet.
I had a nightgown that color when I was a teenager - I just WISH it had a train like that.

I know you won't believe it, but I've never seen this young woman before.

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I thought she looked lovely and was appropriately dressed for a teen idol. Too bad about the ponytail.

Ann

A gorgeous dress on Ann. In a breathtaking shade. With one small problem. The areas I've indicated seem to be lengths of fabric the designer didn't know what to do with.

Jennifer H

Jennifer H had a slight problem area too...but she still looked very pretty. She left her scary little bolero jacket at home this year.

Katherine

I've been seeing Katherine everywhere. Every time I turn on the television she's there. Her dress does not impress me. I don't even know who she IS.

And the wild ones? The ones everyone can talk about?

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Talented former exotic dancer and award winning writer Diablo needs to choose a theme. She can be Cleopatra OR Amy Winehouse OR Wilma Flintstone (thank you Manolo) OR a pirate, but she can't be all of them.

MAKES MY NECK ITCH/SHITS ME TO TEARS Winner Renee...

Renee

touched her hair constantly on the red carpet, and I'm pretty sure she wore that dress in Chicago.

Daniel

Daniel Day Lewis brought a brooch. The brooch brought the woman with the auburn hair.

My favorite?

Tilda

Tilda. I cannot take my eyes off her. I know she's wearing two lengths of Michael's Craft Store satin, but I just think she's mesmerizing.

Tilda 2

I do think I'd cut that sleeve off....













(btw, I read the Fug girls AFTER I wrote this)

Comments

Jen said…
I agree Tilde is mesmerizing. I can't look at her in the same way though, since the DJ on my fav. morning show said her real name was Tilde Cowscomehome.
Remember way back in the 1990s, before Nicole Kidman discovered Botox and who-knows-what-else, and she was always immaculately put together? It just seems like a dream now.

Poor George's girlfriend. Is anyone bothering to learn her name?

And what was Jennifer Hudson thinking? There was no way that dress was ever going to work.
motherbumper said…
"Daniel Day Lewis brought a brooch. The brooch brought the woman with the auburn hair." YOU NAILED IT - that is the best freakin' quip I've read about that freakin' brooch all day. I was itchin' to be witty about that last night but couldn't find it - hats off to you!
Mrs. G. said…
"She can be Cleopatra OR Amy Winehouse OR Wilma Flintstone (thank you Manolo) OR a pirate, but she can't be all of them."

Snort! We have similar taste.
Saoirse said…
I'm VERY grateful to Tilda.

I didn't know she existed until a few months ago. And, up until a few months ago, I thought I had the whitest skin on the planet (and, yes, with red hair).

So, Tilda has succeeded in making me feel like a bronzed goddess!
Sinda said…
I just read on Jezebel that Tilda has two lovers - live ins? - an older, "Baby Daddy," and a younger boyfriend. Go, Tilda! I've loved her since Orlando.

I'm still loving your snowball post. Very beautiful.
Nora said…
I too love Tilda -- the way she talked about George Clooney was charming! And her skin is amazing!

I'm so over Katherine Heigl. And yes she was lovely, but why was Miley Cyrus there?
BabelBabe said…
jennifer Hudson's boobs looked awful in that dress. and it's true about tilda and the lovers - one guy 20 yrs older than her is the father of her sons, and her boyfriend who travels with her is this 20-years-younger studmuffin, and they all live happily together. Kee-razy stuff.

you may have found the only photo that jennifer Garner looks fat in, and I agree about heidi Klum's hair - it WAS weird.
Loretta said…
You left out Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford. Mr. Pom said that Harrison looked like Calista was sucking the blood out of him instead of eating.

Otherwise, tout suite! J'accord!

That Tilda is really scary....
I liked Diablo, especially when she said her family loves her just the way she is.
Sad how scary looking Nicole has gotten. I think her husband kind of looks like a Muppet.
But not as much as the one on Jessica Alba's dress!
Rae said…
Tilda was just cool, as much as the dress makes me feel like I'm falling over.

And you are right about Renee, and I wish she would stop doing that with her face.

Marion whats-her-face was so sweet when she won that she could have worn anything, I think.

And that slit on the leopard print thing was a little much for me.

But I still do thing that Jennifer Garner is one of the prettiest people I've ever seen. And I loved Laura Linney- she didn't seem to stop smiling all night.
HEATHER said…
Why didn't Tilda wear any makeup? And what happened to her eyebrows?
This is random but

brooch woman would probably be Arthur Miller's daughter.

Heidi's hair was hysterical.

Nicole Kidman's face looks mummified it is so stiff.

Anne Hathaway looked gorgeous I thought - in fact she may have been the most beautiful of all.

Critics here said Tilda looked like something out of the Addams Family. I think she is amazing and may take over from Cate Blanchett who took over from Meryl Streep.

Is George Clooney's beard called Sarah?
kmkat said…
Diablo is from the Twin Cities. There was a story about her on the local news tonight. Apparently she wrote that screenplay on her laptop sitting in the Starbuck's in the Target store in Crystal, MN, a blue-collar first-ring suburb of Minneapolis. The employees they interviewed all remembered her but hadn't known what she was doing at the time and didn't even connect the "Juno" they had seen on her screen with the movie until they heard about the Academy Awards.
Suzanne said…
I said exactly the same thing about the muppet resting on Jessica Alb's purple boobs last night!

Great minds clearly think alike!!

And what was your verdict on Cate Blanchett's dress? I loved it except the neckline bothered a bit. I'm curious what you thought.
Kris said…
Tilda always looks as if she's about to give the finger to someone - I love her paleness and oddness. And her lovers - I read she lives with her 60-something husband and travels with her 29 yr old lover - new meaning to 'manbag' perhaps?

Nicole's dress was about as shiny as her face is nowadays.
catsteevens said…
Hee hee. This all made me giggle a bit. EXCEPT the part about Clooney having a girlfriend !!! gasp I had no idea !!! where did she come from? Boo.
Kim said…
1. George Clooney's gf is probably the most hated woman in the western world of females and gay men. Wearing her grandmother's bedspread won her no favours.

2. Tilda is scary and stunning all at the same time. The wearing of a bin liner only serves to confirm this.

3. Our Nic has gone a little weird. I'm blaming pregnancy hormones.

4. That Heigl girl shits me

5. That Hathaway creature makes my neck itch. It's like she's the younger generations love child of Julia Roberts and Hilary Swank - all teeth and brows. Loved the colour of the dress but apart from that odd bit of fabric you so elegantly pointed out there were swathes of it behind her. Like she was epitomising a bride with her peri-menopausal period.

6. Our Cate looked amazing apart from the hairdresser's towel she forgot to take from around her neck after getting her hair done.

7. Renee McSquintyeger shits me and makes my neck itch all at the same time but I really like her 'do' and if it was on my head I'd be touching it and playing with it all the time too.

8. Your comment about Daniel Day Lewis' Brooch With Ribbons was gold. Pure Gold.

9. I just don't get why women with stylists still come out wearing anything in that fabric all school formal dresses are made from - not satin but that other stuff Jennifer is wearing in that dress to rival the outfit on the little dolly your nanna puts over the spare toilet roll in the guest toilet. Just don't get it.

10. I reckon Helen Mirren could have worn Tilda's outfit and we all would have been saying how contemporary she is for an older woman.


I did an oscars review in 2005 and have never been able to replicate my form.

Now I've read yours, looked at that one Joke told us to look at and there is no chance I could do it. No chance.


And on other matters pertaining to the boulder on your front lawn. Can you imagine - considering the signficance you have given the Boulder - how dirty you all would have felt had it been clothed in a ballerina outfit. Am proud and impressed you managed to say no. Snaps to you lovely lady.
Jennifer said…
So glad to have you as a bloggy friend. I knew you'd do an update for me as I did not watch the oscars.

I'm a little suprised at all the flowy type fairy sort of dresses. None of these I particularly like though. But I like the idea anyway.
paola said…
I have one word for you.
Don't mess with Jennifer Garner. I LOVE her. I think she's beyond beautiful.
Other than that, we "oveer here" only had E! to cover the Oscars and I missed a lot of the dresses/people you showed.
La Kidman is actually much better in the wax version! More lively...
Olga said…
Oh, Tilda is it? I thought it was voodoo preistess of the zombies.
Robin said…
One of the funniest posts you've ever done and there are many to choose from.

Robin
Anne said…
Absolutely love your Red Carpet post. I think your dead on... i want to start dying my hair red and buying blue foundation too!
Amy A. said…
Tilda's the one the makes my neck itch. There's something positively waxy about her.

Nicole makes me sad. Her smile never quite makes it up to her eyes. Is it because of her facial work or does she just need a big hug?
Stacey said…
Tilda is a bit weird, isn't she? I suppose that's a good thing when everyone else in Hollywood is so cheesy.
Daniel Day Lewis takes himself a little seriously, don't you think. I, like the rest of the readers, loved the brooch comment!
As for George's girlfriend, I figure she just didn't think too much about her address as George is the ultimate accessory.
dan renzi said…
Penelope Cruz has become a chariacture of red carpetness. She just walks around posing now, it's too much.

Miley Cyrus was the best. Some people are just good at that whole charm-the-interviewer thing.