the dog's life

6:45 am - lay head on bottom step whilst flattening body on carpet runner, wag tail, look angelic.

big bin o food


7:00 am - follow bb anxiously to kitchen, inhale morning meal without chewing. Burp loudly.

bowls use

7:02 am - pace excitedly around kitchen.

7:03 am - exit from front kitchen door (ONLY) and run off to side yard and pretend to poop.

7:04 am - bark one short, soft bark at front kitchen door.

7:05 am - realize that bb is not stupid and knows you could not have pooped. (ie NO BISCUIT)

7:06 am - sit by front kitchen door.

7:08 am - after being let out, actually go to side yard and poop, return triumphant and receive biscuit. Run with biscuit to Persian carpet to ensure that biscuit crumbs and saliva become embedded.

treats

7:10 am - rush back to kitchen wondering if bb is stupid enough to run the whole routine again.

7:11 am - alas, she is not. Press body against cool kitchen floor, exhausted.

pressed flat

7:15 - 7:30 am - wander aimlessly around the first floor. Check wastebasket in downstairs lav to see if Oldest has left any tissues to be dragged to Persian carpet and dismantled.

7:35 am - first nap of the day.

in bed

9ish - watch bb bring laundry to basement. Pretend to sleep. With eyes open.

10ish - walk to kitchen, have a drink. Sniff around.

11 or so - lick dining room floor.

around 12 - press body up against couch in a way that makes it exceedingly difficult to vacuum.

by the couch

1:00 - stare at bb whilst she eats crackers and watches All My Children.

2:00 pm - commence intense sniffing with pig-grunt noises to ascertain if any of bb's cracker crumbs are in Persian carpet.

2:15 pm - wait expectantly at bottom of stairs to be let out main entrance.

2:17 pm - wander around yard, sniff things, bark at cat, ignore small rabbit, watch for UPS guy, jump on mailman, drag self around in grass, eat leaves, watch for neighbors who may have a treat, play with babies from next door.

2:55 pm - return to house. bb leaves to fetch boys. Attempt an infiltration of any unprotected area. Score big if bb's bedroom door is open. Eat something of bb's, ex: late father's watch, sentimental gift from Middle, K's favorite belt.

3:15 pm - bb and boys return. Wonder where Oldest is.

3:17 pm - where IS Oldest?!

3:18 pm - recline in front of Oldest's door. Press nose under door to fully embrace scent of Oldest.

3:39 pm - doorbell! Run to door and greet UPS guy.

3:45 pm - time for another nap.

4:50 pm - Oldest is home, run to door, wait for scratch behind the ears, follow him wherever he goes.

in motion

5:10 pm - emotionally drained. Sleep by back door and watch while bb preps dinner. She may drop food on the floor.

waiting

5:45 pm - follow bb wherever she walks, staring.

front end

5:55 pm - stare harder. Telepathically try to move clock hands to 6 pm. Wag tail impatiently.

6:00 pm - DINNER TIME!!!!! Inhale food. Burp loudly.

6:15 pm - OLDEST IS EATING. IS THERE BACON? WILL HE HAND OFF A BIT OF SOMETHING. Wait just outside dining room.

just beyond

6:25 pm - lick dining room floor. Watch bb clean kitchen. Sniff around. Ask to go out, go out, come in, ask to go out back door, come in back door, sniff around, leave kitchen when asked.
Wander around.

7:00 pm - watch some tv. Hope humans watch something with animals.

9:00 pm - with family off to their rooms, carefully examine all rooms for something to chew up: recent favorites - iPod earphones, pocket knives, Snickers wrappers, paper napkins, anything crinkly.

10:00 pm - wander around so bb comes downstairs and opens door. Wander around outside whilst bb stands in whatever ridiculous get-up she was reclining in, waiting. Check all outdoor areas for something to bring inside to Persian carpet. Return when bb claps by door.

10:20 pm - make one last check of bathroom for stray tissues, lick cool floor so room smells like saliva, settle into bed. Snore and grunt and bark in sleep.

Comments

Kim said…
OK, so the dawg is cute.
Your post made me snort as I was trying not to laugh.
Because in all reality?
If that was me?
I'd be opening that back door at 7.03am (using all of my "I really am a nice person " to not kick his butt as he scooted out) and then firmly locking it behind him.
Jennifer said…
I know you're not very fond of that doggie, but my goodess that has to be the cutest dog ever!
BabelBabe said…
ok, he IS very cute.
in your house : )
Who She She said…
Generally, I don't like animals, but I like I might be able to like your dog. He's very cute. And such a good personality!
jenny said…
alright...I know how you feel about that dog, with good reason too. But I? Kind of love her.
Saoirse said…
I have a dog and you've described her day to a t!

We got the dog when my son started middle school--he's in college now and it's just me and the dog. Baaad timing on that acquisition!

Oh, except for the cat--kindergarten cat we call her as that is when we got her. 14 years later and she's still going strong (old and very grouchy but as these are tendancies I can sometimes display myself, I let it slide).

Dog could NOT be cuter!
Saoirse said…
oh, and the door thing? Glad to know mine is not the only one! Absolutely refuses to go out the front door. Has to be the side kitchen door. Come home from a walk and "do her business" when we hit our yard? NO! Has to go IN the front door, through the front hall, into the kitchen and OUT THE SIDE KITCHEN DOOR outside through the breezeway and down the deck stairs and THEN can answer nature's call. Again, glad to know she's not a complete anamoly!
paula said…
You're not foolin' me.
robiewankenobie said…
wtf? you actually OWN a dog? ::boggles:: you must really love those kids to have gotten them a dog...
Alice said…
sounds like a relaxing life...
poop, annoy, sleep, eat
paola said…
God bless you.
You are a Saint.
Anne said…
Adorable! Hmmm. Our dog lives outside. I wonder what his day is like? I can only imagine as we are not out there with him. He chews beer cans from the recycle bin and the plug ends off electrical cords when he can find them (so he has ruined the heated dog bowl and his heated floor mat, the dummy!).
Suse said…
Best post evah!

After the airport one, that is.
jo said…
OMG...can I tell you I love you? Cause I do. That was hands down a recitation of the pooper. the pig snort noises. The trash investigation. The lying in wait as you cook. She actually knows the sound of husband's car approaching and begins the 6:00 wait at 5:30 on the back carpet. 6:00 you see is walking time with the walkin man.
Oh and the lying pressed against the couch thing too. Must be beagles.
I can't begin to tell you how much I needed that post today.
Still looking for some bits and bobs but a package will be winding its way to Tuvalu.
Amy said…
What a darling dog!

I've often thought that if reincarnation is real, I'd like to come back as a well-loved pet dog.
alice c said…
This is going to really, really annoy you - but I think that might be my favourite post. Ever.
You are so obviously at one with your dog, so sympatico, that you are able to communicate the complete essence of a dog's life.
Lee said…
You LOVE dog!
You really do, I knew it all along, this "I don't like animals" stuff was just bb trying to sound tough and stern and not like the sensitive person we all know that she really is.

bb loves her DOG!
Welcome to the world of critter lovers!

p.

ps: dog is adorable. truly. And his life is so darned doggy, it's heartbreaking.
Can I sign you up for a daily email from "The Daily Puppy"?

p.
But he is so cute. At least my Poopy Puppy thinks he is. And he should know. Another one who lives the life of Riley.
Jennifer said…
I don't like animals in general, but this was really quite sweet. And the photos were just great.
ssheers said…
Thanks. I needed that.

When I saw the photo between 5:45 and 5:55 entitled "stare harder," I laughed out loud.
Irene said…
gosh I love this post. I love your dog.
Jeannie said…
Not quite relating to this since I have never had a dog. Cat life is more like sleep, sleep,eat, poop,sleep,sleep,sleep,eat,poop,
bite owner as she turns the page of her book, sleep,sleep.

But I do think the dog is a cutie
Anonymous said…
hi bb, it's islaygirl. google/blogger won't let me sign in.

i can't thank you enough. i have long wondered about you and the dog, and i feel enormously chuffed (as my scottish friend would say) that you showed the dog, and in such a thorough fashion. xx
Susie Sunshine said…
For all your bitching, I expected a hideous beast.
He's a widdle puddin' pup!
Suse said…
"You are so obviously at one with your dog".

I bet that one made your day.
Heather said…
I don't think I've ever met the dog before. It was worth the wait ;)
Suzanne said…
I am in the minority of dog lovers among your readers. I will always have a dog. I would be so sad and lonely without Sebastian...

The "stare harder" photo made me laugh out loud, too. I also like the turkey leg pose.

Installing a dog door in the kitchen door so Sebastian can let himself in and out was the best thing I ever did. And your dog is so much smaller, you could get a small size and not worry about any human intruders.
Suzanne said…
I meant "among the minority of dog lovers."

I think cashiering broke my brain, and my typing skills went along with it!
jess said…
love dogs, love that you love doggy.
Katy said…
I am absolutely NOT volunteering to take anyone's dog (as Oldest surely wouldn't tolerate you sending me his dog), but darn that is a cute dog.
margalit said…
Normally not a big beagle fan, but that is a face even I could love. He's just adorable. And he's got you totally trained, which means either he's very smart or.... well, you know the alternative!
Anonymous said…
I agree the chewing of your property is annoying. But if you don't like the dog and won't spend time with it, you won't discover you can get it to stop doing that. Ours did. If you can overcome your distaste and train the thing, your life will be better and so will the dog's.

Dog person
Poppy Buxom said…
I have two reactions. First, your dog's behavior bears an uncanny resemblance to my husband's.

Second reaction is this: Good God, why in this non-sheeping, non-hunting era would anyone want to have to deal with this?

(This reaction is a response to Anonymous, who is, as usual, a font of wisdom: If you think blackbird's dog is badly trained, you should see her children.
blackbird said…
Anonymous's dog is a standard poodle.
It goes everywhere with them and pisses and shits where it wants to.
Anonymous doesn't want to break her dog's spirit and insists you love it like she does - much like her children.
Anonymous said…
Defensive much?
No, my dog is the exact opposite of what you've described, because she's trained. And proper discipline doesn't equal breaking a dog's spirit. It makes them happier because they know their place in the pack, which is how they operate.
Sorry if I seemed rude. But it's your dog who seems to be doing pretty much what it wants to, if it's chewing your stuff.
(Actually I did have a standard poodle once which was old and had to be rehomed. He was an absolute gentleman, I have to say.)
Your dog is bred for hunting and living in a pack - "beagling"! It's probably a bit lonely and bored on its own.
Do you give it a raw marrowbone every few days to give it the chewing thing without chewing on your shoes and ipods?
blackbird said…
I am defensive, yes.

The dog gets marrowbones from the butcher twice a month.
And organic chew twists twice a month.

She's very well behaved, thanks to discipline and training, but she doesn't like me and I don't really care for her - hence only my items chewed...

Sorry I mistook you for a different troll who criticizes me anonymously.
catsteevens said…
How did I miss this post?

I LOVE YOUR DOG!!!! I think he is adorable. Am I repeating what has already been said? Then it must be true --- you have a super cute, loveable pooch :)
scarlettm said…
I CAN'T stop laughing! The post, the pictures - absolutely hilarious.
dan renzi said…
I just read this for the fourth time, so charming.
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