urban necromancy

1. The Soap Fairy - wanders the house and replaces slivers of soap with fresh bars. Guilty of throwing slivers in the kitchen trash bin (as the dog seeks them out and eats them from the wastebaskets in the bathrooms. Efficient at her job, she has never actually been seen.

2. The Sock Fairy - refills empty sock drawers/bins with clean rolled socks. Can be lazy during the school year as members of the household can often be heard requesting socks. Sighs a lot, especially when she realizes requested socks have been left wet in the washer for over 24 hours.

3. The Beverage Witch - replenishes the refrigerator with beverages of each household member's choice. Is very bad about putting beer in the fridge, never remembers to bring white wine upstairs from the wine fridge, which is her downfall as she appreciates white wine.
Not to be confused with:

4. The Beverage Troll. The beverage troll leaves empty water/soda/tea bottles throughout the house, most notably:
a. in front of the big computer
b. near the drum set
c. in the rooms of the offspring.
Giggles and is completely guilt-free.

5. The Washer Fluid Pixie - responsible for depleting the window washer fluid in the vehicle. Disregards the dashboard light admonishing that said washer fluid needs replacing. Works best during high pollen season.

6. The Gasoline/Petrol Vixen - is able to drive to town and back a minimum of 5 times without refilling the tank. Takes certain pride in this accomplishment.

7. The Scissor/String/Cellophane Tape Elf - disperses these items in unknown parts of the home. His work is especially apparent just before birthdays and holidays.

8. The Invisibility Thief - able to make items completely invisible to male members of the household, does his best work with remote controls, that recipe one was perusing and cd's belonging to the library. Works with lightening speed making it possible to lose the remote after answering the door only to find it in the dining room seconds later.

9. The Water Monster - takes special delight in wetting the floor of the office in the basement and upstairs loo. Works under mysterious conditions and cannot be outwitted. Scoffs at towels, pumps and dehumidifiers.

10. Lawn Wizard - convinces grass to grow especially quickly when the weather is warmest.

Comments

Alice said…
We've got those in CT too!

Hilarious
Susie Sunshine said…
Gremlins with bladder issues lurk in my bathrooms.
kmkat said…
Apparently the TP Troll has abandoned your house for mine.

These are great!
Anonymous said…
You forgot the man who lives in the attic that eats the leftovers in the 'fridge that you know were in there an hour ago !
Eliane said…
Our laundry basket is invisible to all family members except me!
BabelBabe said…
this is one of the cleverest posts you have ever written. probably because it hits so dang close to home!
Jennifer said…
Wow, sounds like you need an exorcism in your house.
Poppy Buxom said…
I agree with Babelbabe.

And you forgot a couple:

1. Toilet trolls, who paint the underside of the toilet seat with translucent yellow paint;

2. Apple annies, who leave apple cores on tables near the television, or put them in wastepaper baskets to get all squishy and smelly;

3. Backpack Boggarts, who leave overstuffed backpacks all over the place;

4. Shoestrewing elves, who leave big, boat-like male shoes where women will fall over them.
amy said…
That was a truly funny explanation of mysterious things that just happen around the house. Thanks for the laugh.
jenny said…
Shoestrewing elves? My poor husband, I've been blaming him for this.

And the Scissor/String/Cellophane Tape Elf? Hate. Him.
MizMell said…
Fairies, witches and trolls... all the makings of a bestseller.
alice c said…
The lollystick lepracaun - he is EVIL - specialises in leaving sticky lollysticks where men watch sport on TV.
Sue said…
Ha! I love these. I just adore your writing.
Suse said…
You also forgot the newspaper gnome, who goes around the house opening all those carefully folded newspapers and scattering them on the floors and couches.