attention art students

...or design students, or budding architects, or anyone with long arms and some artistic inclination: What the HECK is up with this?
I've done enough research online to know what it is SUPPOSED to look like -
the problem is MAKING IT LOOK LIKE THAT.

The package containing this nightmare of decor languished in my room for about a week before we had the time and energy to tackle installing it in the bathroom. During that time I gazed up at the fixture in the ceiling, imagining how I would wrap this clever device around it. I did peek inside the giant envelope it was delivered in - it ships flat, but didn't see the instructions until we actually began the project...


it should look like this

It should look like this.
Except that I wanted some of it to obscure the porcelain light bulb holder sitting on the ceiling...

And the instructions seem simple enough -

cut the frame

Okay. So. Cut the frame off the garland.
The sharp garland that you make sharper by CUTTING IT.
Anyway, then you attach it to wire above the lampholder. But. Wait.
We adapted the wire above the lampholder - we cut it short. And, somehow, our 'lampholder' is not nearly as attractive as the 'lampholder' pictured.


like flower arranging

And here's the rub -
can't read it? I was laughing too hard to take a good picture.
The instructions say something INANE like: just keep wrapping this intensely sharp object which can get totally caught in your hair (even though it's short) around the light bulb whilst praying that you will not be electrocuted.
IT'S JUST LIKE FLOWER ARRANGING the instructions brag.
Well, guess what? I SUCK AT FLOWER ARRANGING.

I took a stab at it as I do tend to be more visually inclined - but it quickly became clear that I was useless - so K took over.
Have I mentioned the condition of our ladder? Our HEIRLOOM inherited ladder?
NO?
Well, it's just like something right out of CIRQUE DU SOLEIL our ladder is.
Barely held together by what seem to be straight pins, it sways from side to side as we maintain our balance while pressing our heads against the ceiling...it would have been easier if I were riding a bicycle with K sitting on a chair on the handlebars.

k fixture

DON'T LOOK AT THE WINDOW - THE MOULDING IS NOT UP YET!

unhooking

K had a theory and so completely unwound the sharp toothed bastard.

<span class=

JUST LIKE ARRANGING FLOWERS. OR PLACING A CROWN OF THORNS AROUND YOUR HANDS.
AT HIGH ALTITUDES. DURING AN EARTHQUAKE.

And, when he was done, this is the way it looked:

too much porcelain

and that was when we realized that my brilliant scheme to be economical and yet artistic looked like Youngest had created something with scissors and aluminum foil and that the reason IT LOOKS OKAY ON THE PACKAGE IS THAT THEY USED TWO BARBED WIRE SPIKY GARLANDS OF KILLER FLOWERS.

The ladder is still in my room.
I'm going to give it a rest and then try again. When I'm tired of looking at the ladder.

Comments

MizMell said…
Very nice. I like it. But I have to ask... what happens when you have to change the bulb?
BabelBabe said…
courtney's pick
"when i first saw the garland light i felt an intense desire to have one, a silver one in particular. the garland light reminds me of the things that i was fascinated with as a little girl and i can almost imagine a village of winged people living inside the garland surrounding the light bulb. i can also imagine myself as a small girl lying on the floor and staring up at the garland light."


This quote didn't tip you off that Cortney, the company, the manufacturers, the marketers, and the actual lamp are all INSANE?
Badger said…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Hee.
blackbird said…
YES, MIZMELL, WHAT DOES HAPPEN WHEN YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB?
I HAVEN'T A CLUE.
Susie Sunshine said…
The domestic goddess in me wonders how the hell you clean something like this.
Blowdryer?
Itty bitty feather duster?
Elfin magic?
Looby said…
I work in a store that sells these delightful "lampshades" and I can attest to the viciousness of them. One can look really good, but you should have a first aid kit on standby. And changing the bulb, I recommend gardening gloves as you simply have to reach through the carefully arranged flowers and pray you don't destroy the whole thing.
snupea said…
Hi susie sunshine,

I never knew a domestic goddess, maybe some of it will rub off on me. The domestic side of me is slowing down big time, except for cooking and bed linens. Hi BB, nice light!
paula said…
Hmm...it looked like a good idea. I have a closet full of those.
Mel said…
What!? I think it looks good!
daysgoby said…
Maybe...

I have no idea.

Maybe later, when I'm not laughing so hard.
Joke said…
Oh, my.

I've both vertigo AND exhaustion from looking at the pictures and I barely skimmed the text.

-J.
MsCellania said…
I don't have time to read other comments, and someone probably already told you to use paper towel holders to keep the thing OFF you and arrange around them. Then slide them out. Or cardboard chunks. And you weave UP and across, creating air spaces on prior structure. Theory is...

Striking that light fixture off our "Maybees"
mystery visitor from new zealand said…
this story is freaking hilarious and really livened up my dull work day.
Suse said…
The villageful of little winged fairies living in the lightfitting are the ones who change the bulb.

While you sleep.

(But they charge extra for dusting).
Poppy Buxom said…
At times like this I'm glad my taste is completely boring.

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