an open letter to Anne Hathaway

Dear Anne:

I was running through IMDB last night, looking at some things regarding a terrible movie that K was watching (The House On Haunted Hill, the REMAKE) when I decided to check your age. You're 26, you know that, but I also took the liberty of running through their photos of you...
I'm thinking, Anne, that if we have a word now, while you are young, we can perhaps address the issue at hand, or, rather, at bosom.
Anne, I've noticed, after looking at 158 photos of you in formal attire, that you seem to be having a problem with the adornment of your rack.
And, make no mistake, I am an admirer, truly.
You are young and fresh faced, I think you do a good job with your film work, you haven't appeared anywhere without panties and you appear to be sober at ALL of your social outings. And, for all of this, I give you credit.

But the dresses, Anne, we need to discuss the dresses.
Obviously the Oscar dress with it's giant black velvet bosom bow was a cry for help - and I know this now as I've looked at all 158 pictures.

Picture 2

The error here is subtle, but present.
To my eyes, the fabric on either side of your breasts appears to be hoisting.
It's not awful, but it looks uncomfortable.
I have no idea what's going on with the shoulders. You tell me.

Picture 1

You don't appear to be properly supported in this photo - but the tablecloth on your leg distracts me from worrying about foundation garments (though I do remember the tummy issue).
It seems Iman may NOT be a good influence for bodice design.

Picture 3

Yellow wrapping paper does not a bodice make.

Picture 4

See? Now we have a very clear, very loud, very red, problem.
I'm not sure where to start...bra? dress? posture? You usually have very nice posture, but something went terribly wrong here and somehow it has effected that poor man's eye.

Picture 5

Much better, Anne - though, as you now know, I'm not a fan of the bands of supportive fabric visibly lifting. (Also, you look very nice with the neutral lipstick.)

Picture 6

Perhaps I missed your appearance in Ice Capades Greatest Hits Of the 80's?

Picture 9

How is it that you were so fully busted in the previous photo? This is a nice dress - I like the neckline a lot - you NEED CONTROL TOP PANTYHOSE, but all of this is secondary to...

Picture 10

I certainly hope I don't see this again, Anne, it makes people nervous.

Picture 11

I'm mostly meh on this one - but I do think that's an awful lot of attention to detail on the bodice without much in the way of lovely result. Banana curls are a thing of the past, I'm only sayin.

Picture 12

You have the BEST smile, I should tell you that while I rip your wardrobe apart.
Really, I'm excited because you seem like such a nice young woman. With a smile like that you could go far!
Watch that Heroes lady, she's creepy...and, hey, it's Stacy London! Did she mention that she's not fond of the bed sheet you've wrapped yourself in?

Picture 13

There's an awful lot going on here.
I'm not sure where to start, or how it could get worse...

Picture 14

That's just fine.
Actually, the dress somehow looks better now.

Picture 15

Ack. I bought that dress too. It was on sale. I told myself I could pull it off, but really, no one looks good in red satin. At least I didn't color my hair to match it.
We'll just chalk it up to youth.

Picture 17

I am.
I'm fed up.
And, at this point, I'm beginning to think you need a new stylist, if you have one at all. I'm even thinking that you could ask Pat Field - and I don't even LIKE her work, as she did a very good job making you look chic in TDWP.

Picture 19

Even Scarlett feels obligated to help you hold up this massive breast adornment.
She can offer that kind of assistance because she wears her support garments AS evening wear. She only needs a tailor. And to get her leg off you.

Picture 20

Trying to distract us from the hideous top half with a slit up to there isn't going to work. It would appear that there was a puddle where you got out of the car...

I could go on sweetie, but I'll stop. I'm really looking forward to your next project, and I'm hoping you'll take this little intervention to heart as I believe you are going to have a long and lovely career.



Anonymous said…
I have a friend that tells me I look like Anne. I always thought that was a compliment. Now? Not so sure.
Velma said…
I agree, I agree! And can I add that she seriously needs to do something more polished with her hair other than just let it fall messily? Even when she has it pulled back, it looks stringy somehow.
BabelBabe said…
but she has FABULOUS legs.
Anonymous said…
"You usually have very nice posture, but something went terribly wrong here and somehow it has effected that poor man's eye."

still has me laughing.
Joke said…
Look at Miz Blackbird with the snark! And what amazing snark it is!

Who knew?

-Mr. Deeply Impressed
Sarah Louise said…
This is good stuff! I am in agreement--the girl needs HELP! And she could do much worse than Pat Fields.
Alice said…
Man, I'm so glad you said something! Totally necessary.
Anonymous said…
haha- so entertaining!
Tuesday said…
" but something went terribly wrong here and somehow it has effected that poor man's eye.

This has made me choke, laugh, chortle, snort and spew diet coke....all at in the dark of the night, all alone...I look like a fool if anyone is watching...the glare of the monitor lighting up my face, as I try to recover while LAUGHING at the same time...ay yi yi ROFL. You KILL ME WOMAN!

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