movie (ahem) Film roundup

When I worked (in medieval Times) in publishing I was not an especially good copy writer, or writer at all for that matter (which I am sure is becoming painfully obvious here) but I was a pretty decent editor -- and I was very good at looking at a finished book and estimating it's sales figures. I am good at the visual marketing of things and recognizing how things appeal, visually to an audience. So. Because I have nothing better to do, and commercials have been bombarding us with ads for the "holiday movies," I have decided to use my powers to predict this seasons movie successes and busts.
I know you are on the edge of your chair, but frankly, if you can't bear me anymore I suggest you head on over to -- he's very entertaining.

Hits Or Misses

1. The Incredibles : I think this could work. We at Chez Weens are pretty certain that it is the film we will see as a family -- including Oldest, which, all things considered, is goin some.

2. Shark Tale : Is this open already? What? Did Will Smith need money? Look, after the Nemo success there is just no way this is going to make it. I think it will make money, somewhere along the line, but for the most part, dud.

3. Alfie : Sorry. Nope. Jude Law is in 350 new films this season, and in this one he is a gorgeous cad. Sorry. And Susan Sarandon with her strange bustline and strangled voice? I am stayin home.

4. Being Julia : [said through clenched teeth with a unidentifiable accent] I don't think so. Yes, Annette Benning is a jewel. A jewel in the brooch of life. And brooches are soooo fashionable right now ---but no.

5: Fat Albert : Because we haven't had enough Bill Cosby in our lives lately. Do I hear a Welcome Back Kotter remake? No. And no.

6: Lemony Snicket: I am afraid so. Going to do fine. All those kids, all those books. Youngest is v. excited. As much as I hate to admit that Jim Carrey is going to be okay in something, I think he is going to be okay in this.

7: Finding Neverland: Is Kate Winslet like twice the size of Johnny Depp? How many Peter Pan vehicles do we need. Does JD ever button his shirt? I know, I know, he is The Sexiest Man Alive. But I don't think this is gonna be a hit, even with him, even if he gets naked, which he won't.

8: Spongebob : I like the sponge. Really. But you could not drag me to this movie for all the black licorice Altoids in the world. The very thought of it makes me ache all over. I think it will do okay -- cause folks like the sponge.

9: Christmas With the Cranks/Surviving Christmas : I don't know the difference between these two movies...brimming with holiday delight...cranky people...scores of pratfalls...Santa? I am pretty much over the whole "christmas movie" thing. There are really only a couple (Miracle on 34th and It's a Wonderful Life) of good ones and people really shouldn't mess with them. The whole "it's tragically funny and there's lots of sentiment and it takes place during christmas" plot does nothing for me. Both bombs.

10: The Life Aquatic : I cannot wait to see it. I predict moderate success though, because it is weird in that Royal Tennenbaums way. Love Bill Murray. Could do without that Owen guy but I do recognize that he is a decent writer. If not marketed correctly, will bomb.

11: Bridget Jones: (rant warning) Okay, so Renee gains a ginormous amount of weight, so she can weigh precisely what I weigh, and portray a fat girl. A fat loser girl. I do love Hugh Grant, and I think this movie will do fairly well -- but quite obviously I have a ginormous chip on my shoulder about that squinty eyed bitch. ( I wrote that last bit whilst squinting, pursing my lips and with a poor english accent.)

12: Meet the Fockers: What the fock? No focking way. Who the fock cares?

13. Birth : Since the nose bit is done, Nicole is forced to use a variety of hair pieces. I originally thought this could be an interesting thriller, then I realized I would have to listen to her whisper for two hours. That coupled with the fact that I read that there is a "disturbing" scene featuring Nic taking a bath with the little boy spells m-i-s-s.

14. Closer : Wanna see it. Think it will do well. In love with Clive Owen. Nuff said.

15. Ocean's 12: Can it be as good as 11? Maybe not but it will look good. Hit.

16: The Polar Express: Which does not feature the breathtaking illustrations that made it what it is in book form, which is quite possibly the modern day children's christmas classic - but which nevertheless features Tom (I can do no wrong) Hanks. Technically overwhelming in production, I am already overwhelmed. Saw two minutes of an interview with him and Zemeckis wherein they practically polished each ( I wanted Tommy to play all the parts!!!!) and decided I want none of it. I am not sure how you make a 30 sentence book into a 90 minute movie, but I won't be there.

There you have it. It's pouring rain, I am off to the bus-stop and it's Survivor night.
Merry Christmas.


Anonymous said…
There is only ONE oceans eleven. and somehow they figured out a way to let sammy sing and dance. ( and he got to pretend tobe a garbage truck driver a lifelong dream for him) the best part of the remake was the trailer.

I agree to disagree again. Meet the fockers will be low brow concept with excellent exeution pulled off by Ben stiller ( thank god his dad isn't playing his dad ) Robert deniro, and Dustin Hoffman. the first film was hilarious.